First day of summer

 Friday, first day of summer. I should be ecstatic. I'm really not though. Let me just first say that my life as a whole is pretty great. I have my home, nice car, new businesses, friends, family, talents, opportunities that are endless. 
  I am grateful for everyone that is in my life and even for the ones who left. I have graduated from and intensive program and won that too. I've gained knowledge, peace, and confidence. 
   Yet here I still sit, thinking of him. Why? He's a liar, cheater, selfish, narcissist, alcoholic. He hurt me more than any of the others put together. 
   If you are in a room with someone, especially someone you know is madly and deeply in love with you, please do not treat them like trash, laugh at them as they try and kill themselves and then walk out the door. Even if you hate them, stay, make sure they know they can talk, and that there are always options. 
   I have loved him since I was 10. We have gone out a couple times. Now I don't know what to do to let go and move on. He occupies my every thought regardless of how many times I tell my mind to stop. 
    My life was made into a joke, my feelings forgotten completely. Treated like trash and thrown out to the curb like so much garbage. I was humiliated, crushed, angry, lost, lonely, and still to this day don't understand.    I want to forget, I want to let go and move on. I want him to see that I don't need him to have a wonderfully happy life. I want to work out and get healthy, so when he sees me he can tell I'm doing good. 
   I want my bank account to grow until everyone needs me. I want to find my true love and be treated like a Queen, but I fear that there is nobody out there for me. I fear I will be alone forever.  Unwanted, unloved, and forever on my own. 
   I'm strong. It won't kill me to be alone. I actually quite enjoy alone time. It does get so hard when you can't stop thinking about the memories you miss, the memories you never made, the things you never said. 
   He ripped my life out from under me. Took everything I knew away. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to savor those "last times" 
   Like a light switch I lost my kids, the love of my life, my sanity, my heart, my friends.. I don't know how to stop loving him. I don't know how to stop thinking about him, praying for him, wondering about it all. 
   Other than that I'm doing good and rocking out my world. If only I never met him...   

June 2019

 So long since I've written here. Been almost 2 years since my love walked out on me. I'll never be over it. My heart aches. 
  My life however is doing great. I'm starting my own business. Looking for a new job since I am done at my last job. Don't ask long and boring but I'm feeling good about that too. 
   Im excited to see what new exciting things are in my future. Starting my own business and loving it. Business cards on the way. working this week on setting up a new site for my business. Doing craft workshops, birthday parties, paint nights