Thursday

April 28, 2016..


I wish I were dead. I tried to explain to my love again, that I cannot live with this anxiety pain and he blew up at me and now he hates me. I'm sorry I'm broken. I'm sorry I have a disease. I'm so so sorry that I breathe

Wednesday

April 27, 2016...


    Work was a bore fest so I left early and came home to get something done here while there weren't any triggers for the panic attacks. Last night and today I have been having some chest pains.  Manageable ones can still breathe but still I don't really want it to progress.  I am so at a loss of what to do with my future right now.  I don't want to lose my love but I can't live in pain like this. I can't live with these panic attacks.
     I don't know what to do.  He tells me I'm not leaving but doesn't tell him anything.  Just lets him stay hurting me. I don't know what to do.
     Work is good but pretty slow right now and every day it gets harder and harder to keep a smile on my face. but every day I do it.  My safe haven no withstanding I don't really mind going in I just don't like getting out of bed. I got a good score on my calls from this month and I'm trying to keep up with it so I get another 100 percent next month. I need 3 months of exceeds... come on promotion....... come on decent raise. ....
    

Tuesday..

April 26, 2016....


    Rainy gray clouds, cold temps.  My most dreaded weather. I can't handle much more of the cold.  I really don't think I was meant to live in such cold temperatures. I was totally meant to be born in California or something. I don't think I'm made for extreme hot either but I sure do prefer the heat to the cold.
    Nothing changing here. So far today I haven't had any panic attacks but then the boys aren't home from work yet. Yesterday It only went as far as the head ache. I hope it goes no further tonight. I am really getting tired of living in pain in my own home just so L and his friends can do whatever they want.
    Work went well and although I wish I had a better pay I do think the work is rather easy. I get to read a lot of books which is nice.  I get to  visit with good people as well.  Win win. Except the pay.....  I do so wish I made more money.  It gets so old spending half your life using all your money on supporting your kids, then your kids turn 18 and you expect them to be on their own but instead you just get to keep supporting them, barely able to make it pay check to pay check so they can live in your basement and play video games. I want to live in the basement and play video games and not have to pay bills. We deserve that more than they do.  Wish they would all go get a life and leave me to mine. 
   I don't want to get myself worked up but I'm sure they will be down there forever and it is just suffocating to me.
    
    

Monday..

April 25, 2016...




    Made it through Monday.   Hoping Tuesday will work out as well as today did. Nothing big going on but on the bright side, no panic attacks today and so far so good with that.
    The kids are all the same and I don't expect anything to change with that any time soon. Maybe if I quite supporting them .....

Thursday

  April 21, 2016....


   Almost there.... glad for the weekend to be here. It has been beautiful weather all week but the weekend is supposed to drop down again. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best. The flowers will have more time to take before they have to deal with the heat. I'm just done with the cold though.
   It's my weekend without the girl so I'm sure I'll be spending it with drama and stress but what I'm hoping for is some peace and quiet and maybe a nap at some point. I might read something or color more. One can dream but it always leaves me even more angry that things aren't going as planned. I do miss having my own house. When I had my own house I always knew what was going on and when it would end or begin.  now... chaos...
   You may have noticed, everything at home is the same kids are all still living in our basement playing video games. Tayson is the only one saving to get his own place. I feel as though maybe I should ban video games in my home. ha ha it would be like telling them they can't breathe ha ha. (to them I mean)
   I'm glad I was a kid when we played outside and built club houses all over the place. We didn't have phones to track us we just came home when the lights came on.  I remember playing war with the neighborhood kids til well past the time most of the neighborhood had turned in. Those were the days. Now they have play dates.
    In my later teen years I did have pacman and mrs. pacman. My brother and I would play one player and when I got tired I passed to him then he passed to me and so forth. We could play for hours.  Even then we preferred to meet our friends and go hang out somewhere. There was usually something better to do than video games.

Friday..

April 15,  2016.....




   Well here it is the weekend again.  I love the weekend, or at least I used to.  Now I'm not so sure. I love sleeping in and staying up late. I love spending time with my love when I get to but I don't love being in constant pain and shaking and nauseous. I, as you know think it isn't right.
    He's never going to make him leave and he's never going to leave on his own. I'm stuck. Stuck here owning a house I need medication to be inside of.  Stuck inside a house feeling like I'm having a heart attack with all the pain exploding in my chest, shoulders and neck, and stomach.  Not able to do anything about it. Being told its no big deal and I should just ignore it and not let it bother me.   Wish I could do that.  Wish I could.
   In fact if I could accomplish controlling this there wouldn't be a problem.  But there is a problem a big problem.  It better get resolved soon or I'm gonna have to abandon the house and move in with my mother after all.  I have got to have peace.  I cannot live feeling like I'm gonna die.  And most importantly how will I know the real thing If I am forever living the pretend one.  I guess when I collapse on the floor we call the ambulance???

Thursday..

  April 14, 2016...


   Don't think L has been to work at all this week.  Oh wait one day.  My head has been hurting non stop and I really can't live like this anymore. Today he's drilling holes in my comforter and wall downstairs.  It's ok. Why wouldn't that be ok.  I have really gotten myself into it this time. I really don't know what to do but I can't live like this. I tried to get my anxiety meds filled but my Dr. is "on a break" until the 2nd of May.  Good times. It's only chest pains that make me feel like I'm dying but hey, that's alright.
  I'm so confused right now that I really wish the end would come.  I'm just so tired of it all.  The pain, the fog in my brain, the stomach aches and head aches. I think the chest pain is the worst though. I really want to know what I did to deserve this. I really don't think I'm that bad of a person for wanting to be able to live in my own home without the aid of medication or the pain of the anxiety attacks. I'm probably wrong though because I often am.

Wednesday...

  April 13, 2016...


  Blessed Wednesday.  I don't really like the term hump day, and quite frankly I think Thursday is the worst day to get through but anyway I do like Wednesday because I don't have to go get the girl.  I can come straight home and get something accomplished. Today I pulled some weeds and I'm washing my second load of laundry.
   Things here are about the same, still waking up with chest pains and stomach pains. I am usually not shaking unless L is home. I really wish I could control it.  That could be my super power. Controlling my anxiety. It would start up like always with the shaking.  Then it would progress to the chest pain and stomach pain. Then finally the explosive pain when I try to take a deep breath since the anxiety makes me feel like I'm suffocating. Being a super person though I would just say "stop it" and go back to my daily routine. Instead though,  It's a real good time for me I tell you what and I am totally sure that it is perfectly ok for me to have to live like this. On medication just to be home in my own home.
  I can't even move because nobody would pass my credit check with a mortgage on it so that I could even pay rent somewhere.  But L is happy and doing as he pleases so that is all that is important. Love my life.
   I at least get to go to work for 8 hours everyday. I still have to deal with the chest pains, stomach aches, head aches but I don't shake as bad and I don't feel like I can't breathe.  I like to breathe. Not knowing what to do....

Monday

April 11, 2016....




    I really need to get my act together. I have to get this house sold and get moved out somewhere on my own.  Guess I'll be needing my brother to try and sell the house and hopefully this one will sell faster than the shack (which is still unsold)
    I can't keep living here and since it's my house I really have no other options but selling.  I can't just walk away because I wouldn't even be able to get an apartment with the house on my credit.  So what to do?  What to do?
    Maybe I'll kill over dead and not really have to worry about selling it.  At that point my credit wouldn't matter anyway.  I'm sad and confused and keep praying for death but it never comes. Even when I am in so much pain I can't even breathe. Still kicking though.... yay me!!

Saturday...

April 9, 2016...


   I made it through Friday thank god and I am already wishing that there was another day in the weekend. I really feel like I missed out on my Friday since I had chest pains all day and was sick to death at work all day.  It finally went away but I don't know what it is going on with me. I feel like I don't have a life anymore and I mean that as I have lost myself as well.
   We have kids and life is messy.  I should know that things will pass and they will all grow up and make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, but I wish my body would not freak out over every little rush of whatever hormone sets it off. I am getting lower and lower on my meds for anxiety and I don't know if she will give me more or not. I guess I'll just have to ask. 
    I had a flood of emotion this morning and hope that things are ok with me and my love.  I love him and I don't want to be so angry all the time but I am so tired of having to live like this.  It's my home but when I am here I'm so stressed I can't breathe, I have chest pains, head aches, on and on.  I don't know if he understands or not but at least I got it out.
    He is off helping N and his girlfriend with their car. They got a flat and couldn't get the tire off so they could get it fixed. I guess it messed up the stud when he was trying to get the tire off for them and so now they have to deal with that. Cars!!  I discovered today that N doesn't set off the same kind of triggers that L does. I haven't had chest pains all day.  Although I will say that L has been gone most of the day and K just got home as well so we still have many hours to go before we call it a successful day.
    I did get my house cleaned and laundry is almost done. I weeded in my flower garden as well. I am baking me a potato for my diner and I guess here in a minute I will climb into my jammies and watch something on Netflix until my love get homes Hopefully that will be sooner than later.


  

Wednesday

 April 6, 2016..


      Today is almost over and then I just have to endure Thursday which of course is the longest day of the week.  I didn't feel good today but thankfully it finally passed and the last two hours weren't spent in pain.  I'm falling apart or losing my mind not really sure which.  One day I'm fine, the next I'm all shaky and stressed out and most of the time I really don't even know what about.  I can't put it into words but I'm really tired of just being on the outside of everyone's world lately.  Kinda wish what with all the pain, and the stress and anxiety, that I would just disappear.. imagine how it must be peaceful to be invisible.
      Nobody could yell at you anymore, you couldn't make mistakes anymore. You couldn't get pushed aside and ignored anymore.  I miss solitude. I miss knowing who is in my house and what they are doing, and taking. I miss having my life and my quiet existence. I don't think I will ever know it again here.
     I know I'm tired of the traffic out here. Wish I had of taken that into consideration before I bought it, but to be fair I thought I would be renting for a bit first. Oh well it was home for a bit. Now I just hide in my room. What a way to live. Maybe I'll get a second job and work on the days I don't have Jazmin. I could get my bills paid, save for new windows on the house. It would get me away from all the stress and anxiety if I was just always away.  Unfortunately I never know where to go when I want to get away.  Don't have so many friends anymore. Teresa is usually busy and Tammi lives forever away.  Fun!
    Speaking of driving, J was supposed to be home 39 minutes ago as I write this.. he texted and said he had a flat and could I just come and get her. I told him I don't have my car just now. He said he would text when He got it changed . that was at ten minutes to 8 and it is now 8:40....
    I heard a loud car perhaps that was him finally here with her.. late enough, it's bedtime now.  Hope he fed her because she is usually hungry when she gets home. Nope ... now I don't know if I would remember how to change a tire, or the strength but I'm am pretty sure I have seen it done in way less than an hour basically.  Have you not?  What is the problem?  No tire? No jack? No roadside assistance?  interesting.....

Tuesday

April 5, 2016...


     What a week already and it's only Tuesday.  Yesterday I was dealing with the ex and the tax situation, which to be honest I still don't know what's going on with it... Plus ORS called 5 times and didn't once leave a message about who was calling,  what they need, nothing...
       My mind is slipping quickly and I feel like I'm always in a fog. I can't remember what I do from one moment to the next and work is stressing me out so much it's unreal.  I have been working on a different project and while it is nice to work at your own pace and not stare at the wall I miss the quiet of my supplies and securities. I miss being able to read and I miss my friends.  Well most of them.  I like this team too but the people I work with are usually pretty good. I was looking forward to being done and going back to my team and was told today that not only has my scores dropped but I only get to go back to my team for a week and then I get to go and do another project for another 2 weeks. Although this one I just have to call and tell people they should receive a letter. It won't be roses I guarantee, I feel like you never know the whole story until you get there.  Still, grateful to have a job but really, really wishing that I wasn't so stressed out there all the time.
      Things here are still just as stressful.  Boy 1 is still living in the basement, friends here all day everyday.  Noise that nobody notices apparently but me and my kids. Boy 4 is still sleeping on my couch, now working though but still hasn't paid any rent.
     Fun stuff!!

Sunday

April 3, 2015....


   Today was Troys birthday.  I'm glad the years have helped me forget.  I remember how horrible that first year was. The second a little bit better. It's almost like your mind makes you forget so you don't stay in pain from their loss.
    Don't want to go to work tomorrow and I pretty much feel like I never want to go to work. Ever since I  moved over to the other department where I have to call out I just really don't ever want to be there and when I am there I feel like I am imprisoned. People shouldn't have to feel like this about work.  I spend more time there than I do at home and so I really should at least be able to tolerate it like I did before. I hate it.  Outbound is really not for me.  Just can't wait until we are done calling all the records. It's probably another reason I am so stressed out at work and getting sick there so much.  Fun times.
   My house is still not my own and that is also driving me crazy as well.  I want my house back.  I want the party house gone far far away.  Although as soon as he goes the other one will be here and sleeping on my couch. I hate my life lately and it all has to do with adult children who need to be coddled and think they shouldn't be doing anything to improve their own situations. They can't afford to support themselves so they don't.  They just expect us to support them forever. It's getting really old.