May 31, 2016..
Went to work today. got there a little late but stayed for my full shift. It was slow as crap. I did get a lot of reading done and should be done with this book tomorrow or the next day depending on Taylor's shift. Today was Shay's last day and I sure am gonna miss her face. She's moving to Georgia.
Everything is the same around here. L was being pretty loud earlier and my love went and told him to keep it down and I haven't heard him since. I did start shaking a little earlier when he was up here in our room and started freaking out about something. I don't know when that will stop.
It was a beautiful day today and hopefully tomorrow will be just as nice, not that I ever do anything but lay in bed and watch life happen around me. Everyone I like is leaving my work and it's getting harder and harder to go in every day. I need the job and people have left before but man it's getting hard.
I was dizzy all day but I don't know if it's the meds or what. I don't even know what is wrong with me anymore. I've lost my mind, that's all I know.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Saturday, May 28, 2016
saturday
May 28, 2016...
We slept our day away. Didn't wake up until 12:45. It was lovely. I'll regret it tomorrow but today I blame my love for being so darn cuddly. Plus we probably just really both needed the sleep. We are headed to a birthday party today with J for her little cousin.
We slept our day away. Didn't wake up until 12:45. It was lovely. I'll regret it tomorrow but today I blame my love for being so darn cuddly. Plus we probably just really both needed the sleep. We are headed to a birthday party today with J for her little cousin.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Thursday
May 26, 2016..
Stayed home again today. I am so tired of being this tired and sick. My head never stops hurting no matter what I take. The stress is all built up in my neck and some days I can't even turn my head. The Zoloft is making me feel a little better as far as the panic attacks. I don't think I have had one all week. Here's hoping that he keeps him quiet and friend free and that he never texts me anything again.
Therapy tonight. I never want to go but always feel better when I do. He at least validates my feelings and helps me get past them. Tonight we are supposed to learn some coping techniques. My love has gone out of town for the night so it should be pretty peaceful knowing I can do what I want in my house for the whole night. I really need to work tomorrow regardless of how I feel. They don't pay us for the holiday if we are not there the day before and the day after.
Memorial weekend the kiddo is out of school and I have her for the weekend. We are excited. We have no plans but we are still excited. a long weekend and the last week of school. Love not having homework ha ha
Didn't learn many coping skills tonight in therapy but we did talk about coping skills and talked about being more assertive and sticking up for myself and my rights and desires. I have homework to stick up for myself at least 3 times this week and then tell him about those times when we meet next week. He says when we are done people will like me more and respect me more because I won't let people walk all over me anymore. Looking forward to it.
Stayed home again today. I am so tired of being this tired and sick. My head never stops hurting no matter what I take. The stress is all built up in my neck and some days I can't even turn my head. The Zoloft is making me feel a little better as far as the panic attacks. I don't think I have had one all week. Here's hoping that he keeps him quiet and friend free and that he never texts me anything again.
Therapy tonight. I never want to go but always feel better when I do. He at least validates my feelings and helps me get past them. Tonight we are supposed to learn some coping techniques. My love has gone out of town for the night so it should be pretty peaceful knowing I can do what I want in my house for the whole night. I really need to work tomorrow regardless of how I feel. They don't pay us for the holiday if we are not there the day before and the day after.
Memorial weekend the kiddo is out of school and I have her for the weekend. We are excited. We have no plans but we are still excited. a long weekend and the last week of school. Love not having homework ha ha
Didn't learn many coping skills tonight in therapy but we did talk about coping skills and talked about being more assertive and sticking up for myself and my rights and desires. I have homework to stick up for myself at least 3 times this week and then tell him about those times when we meet next week. He says when we are done people will like me more and respect me more because I won't let people walk all over me anymore. Looking forward to it.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Wednesday..
May 25, 2016..
Got written up at work yesterday, even though I had already discussed said issue with HR and was told not to worry about it. Today I was so depressed over the whole thing I just stayed home in bed. In fact I have only left my room a couple of times to use the bathroom and get my daughter to school.
Got her registration papers all done and printed even though it was a pain in the ass. Now I need to call UNUM because I was trying to log on and it said it would send an email but I never got it and now I can't logon. Me and electronics don't like each other.
I'm am starving and need to go and pick up my prescriptions even though it will cost me probably more than I even have. I hate needing all these pills. The Zoloft is starting to kick in though and things aren't so bad for me health wise. I haven't had a full blown panic attack for atleast 3 days. Still can't breathe very well. Still trembling.
Kids are all still here and living under my roof. All of them. The only one guaranteed to leave in the fall is B and she isn't even the one I want gone. I would prefer the two oldest be out on their own but whatever. I don't think they are ever gonna leave.
Got written up at work yesterday, even though I had already discussed said issue with HR and was told not to worry about it. Today I was so depressed over the whole thing I just stayed home in bed. In fact I have only left my room a couple of times to use the bathroom and get my daughter to school.
Got her registration papers all done and printed even though it was a pain in the ass. Now I need to call UNUM because I was trying to log on and it said it would send an email but I never got it and now I can't logon. Me and electronics don't like each other.
I'm am starving and need to go and pick up my prescriptions even though it will cost me probably more than I even have. I hate needing all these pills. The Zoloft is starting to kick in though and things aren't so bad for me health wise. I haven't had a full blown panic attack for atleast 3 days. Still can't breathe very well. Still trembling.
Kids are all still here and living under my roof. All of them. The only one guaranteed to leave in the fall is B and she isn't even the one I want gone. I would prefer the two oldest be out on their own but whatever. I don't think they are ever gonna leave.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Monday
May 23, 2016....
Day 2 that I haven't been shaking violently. The meds seem to be leveling out and making me feel better. Less emotional, calmer. I still feel like someone is sitting on my chest but I have a feeling that its gonna be like that until I feel safe here again. I still don't. I'm just waiting I guess. Nobody will help me and we are down to , just call the cops. The more you call the cops the easier we can help you. So far he has been quiet and respectful since the whole eviction attempt.
My neck is still killing and it's hard to turn my head. All the stress is just hanging out there killing me. Atleast I am feeling better and haven't cried yet today. The day is still young so I make no promises but so far so good.
Day 2 that I haven't been shaking violently. The meds seem to be leveling out and making me feel better. Less emotional, calmer. I still feel like someone is sitting on my chest but I have a feeling that its gonna be like that until I feel safe here again. I still don't. I'm just waiting I guess. Nobody will help me and we are down to , just call the cops. The more you call the cops the easier we can help you. So far he has been quiet and respectful since the whole eviction attempt.
My neck is still killing and it's hard to turn my head. All the stress is just hanging out there killing me. Atleast I am feeling better and haven't cried yet today. The day is still young so I make no promises but so far so good.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Thursday..
May 12, 2016...
Well we put up eviction notices on Monday for L and although he has finally decided I'm serious and not had friends over all week, and been absolutely quiet down there so far I still want him out of my house.
I don't know where he is going to go and that is scary for him but I can't live like this anymore. I shouldn't of had to ever live like this. The medication is starting to level off but I'm not sure if I feel any different. I am not cold as much so that is good but I haven't really noticed a change in my moods or out look on life.
I'm sleeping worse than ever the last few nights and I'm not sure if it's anticipation of him getting out and what will transpire with that, or if it's the meds. I just want to sleep through the night again and stop having panic attacks and anxiety. Is that so much to ask for?
Well we put up eviction notices on Monday for L and although he has finally decided I'm serious and not had friends over all week, and been absolutely quiet down there so far I still want him out of my house.
I don't know where he is going to go and that is scary for him but I can't live like this anymore. I shouldn't of had to ever live like this. The medication is starting to level off but I'm not sure if I feel any different. I am not cold as much so that is good but I haven't really noticed a change in my moods or out look on life.
I'm sleeping worse than ever the last few nights and I'm not sure if it's anticipation of him getting out and what will transpire with that, or if it's the meds. I just want to sleep through the night again and stop having panic attacks and anxiety. Is that so much to ask for?
Friday, May 6, 2016
Friday
April 6, 2016....
Well I have missed the entire week at work. Good times. I don't have bills or anything. it's fine. I started therapy yesterday and have high hopes it will help me. Im also hoping it will help my and my love with our current problems.
I'm on medication that makes me so weak and shaky and tired and sick. Im hoping it will get better soon. I am supposed to confront my abuser and tell him if he wants to stay he needs to get help and I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what will happen..
Well I have missed the entire week at work. Good times. I don't have bills or anything. it's fine. I started therapy yesterday and have high hopes it will help me. Im also hoping it will help my and my love with our current problems.
I'm on medication that makes me so weak and shaky and tired and sick. Im hoping it will get better soon. I am supposed to confront my abuser and tell him if he wants to stay he needs to get help and I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what will happen..
Monday, May 2, 2016
Monday..
May 2, 2016....
Well here we are 4 days after my big blow out and I am still here taking the abuse or whatever you want to call it. I call it abuse since that is what started it and since I am forced to either leave my own home or be sick so that he can do whatever he wants.
I still want to die. I thought when you bought a house you couldn't be kicked out to homelessness. But I was so wrong. I don't want to lose my love or my house but I cannot live like this. I shouldn't even be asked to.
I don't know what to do and it fills my mind to the point I can't concentrate on anything but what is going to happen. Are we to be homeless again? Do we get to move into my mothers house and share rooms until I can someday get my bills paid? I have put money into the house as well, I know not as much as him, I realize I don't make enough to pay what I probably should be. I pay what I can where I can and where is it getting me? Further into debt, alienated to the point I'd rather be dead than live with these anxiety attacks any longer, with nothing to call my own (not that I had much anyway but my love even gave the ex the tv I got in court.) I have nothing. People to support while they sit in my basement and on my couch playing video games. I have anxiety attacks that feel like I'm dying of a heart attack. My neck and back and arms feeling like they are on fire. My chest feeling like an elephant is sitting on me. I can't control them but I sure wish I could.
My love just keeps saying that he has no place to go and I keep saying well this is MY house and neither do I. Not to mention that I couldn't even get a place anyway because nobody is going to just let me rent a place with this mortgage on my credit.
I wish I could disappear I really, really do..
Well here we are 4 days after my big blow out and I am still here taking the abuse or whatever you want to call it. I call it abuse since that is what started it and since I am forced to either leave my own home or be sick so that he can do whatever he wants.
I still want to die. I thought when you bought a house you couldn't be kicked out to homelessness. But I was so wrong. I don't want to lose my love or my house but I cannot live like this. I shouldn't even be asked to.
I don't know what to do and it fills my mind to the point I can't concentrate on anything but what is going to happen. Are we to be homeless again? Do we get to move into my mothers house and share rooms until I can someday get my bills paid? I have put money into the house as well, I know not as much as him, I realize I don't make enough to pay what I probably should be. I pay what I can where I can and where is it getting me? Further into debt, alienated to the point I'd rather be dead than live with these anxiety attacks any longer, with nothing to call my own (not that I had much anyway but my love even gave the ex the tv I got in court.) I have nothing. People to support while they sit in my basement and on my couch playing video games. I have anxiety attacks that feel like I'm dying of a heart attack. My neck and back and arms feeling like they are on fire. My chest feeling like an elephant is sitting on me. I can't control them but I sure wish I could.
My love just keeps saying that he has no place to go and I keep saying well this is MY house and neither do I. Not to mention that I couldn't even get a place anyway because nobody is going to just let me rent a place with this mortgage on my credit.
I wish I could disappear I really, really do..
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