Monday..

May 2, 2016....


   Well here we are 4 days after my big blow out and I am still here taking the abuse or whatever you want to call it.  I call it abuse since that is what started it and since I am forced to either leave my own home or be sick so that he can do whatever he wants.
   I still want to die.  I thought when you bought a house you couldn't be kicked out to homelessness. But I was so wrong. I don't want to lose my love or my house but I cannot live like this. I shouldn't even be asked to.
  I don't know what to do and it fills my mind to the point I can't concentrate on anything  but what is going to happen.  Are we to be homeless again?  Do we get to move into my mothers house and share rooms until I can someday get my bills paid?  I have put money into the house as well, I know not as much as him, I realize I don't make enough to pay what I probably should be. I pay what I can where I can and where is it getting me? Further into debt, alienated to the point I'd rather be dead than live with these anxiety attacks any longer, with nothing to call my own (not that I had much anyway but my love even gave the ex the tv I got in court.)  I have nothing. People to support while they sit in my basement and on my couch playing video games.   I have anxiety attacks that feel like I'm dying of a heart attack.  My neck and back and arms feeling like they are on fire.  My chest feeling like an elephant is sitting on me. I can't control them but I sure wish I could.
   My love just keeps saying that he has no place to go and I keep saying well this is MY house and neither do I.  Not to mention that I couldn't even get a place anyway because nobody is going to just let me rent a place with this mortgage on my credit.
    I wish I could disappear I really, really do..