First day of summer

 Friday, first day of summer. I should be ecstatic. I'm really not though. Let me just first say that my life as a whole is pretty great. I have my home, nice car, new businesses, friends, family, talents, opportunities that are endless. 
  I am grateful for everyone that is in my life and even for the ones who left. I have graduated from and intensive program and won that too. I've gained knowledge, peace, and confidence. 
   Yet here I still sit, thinking of him. Why? He's a liar, cheater, selfish, narcissist, alcoholic. He hurt me more than any of the others put together. 
   If you are in a room with someone, especially someone you know is madly and deeply in love with you, please do not treat them like trash, laugh at them as they try and kill themselves and then walk out the door. Even if you hate them, stay, make sure they know they can talk, and that there are always options. 
   I have loved him since I was 10. We have gone out a couple times. Now I don't know what to do to let go and move on. He occupies my every thought regardless of how many times I tell my mind to stop. 
    My life was made into a joke, my feelings forgotten completely. Treated like trash and thrown out to the curb like so much garbage. I was humiliated, crushed, angry, lost, lonely, and still to this day don't understand.    I want to forget, I want to let go and move on. I want him to see that I don't need him to have a wonderfully happy life. I want to work out and get healthy, so when he sees me he can tell I'm doing good. 
   I want my bank account to grow until everyone needs me. I want to find my true love and be treated like a Queen, but I fear that there is nobody out there for me. I fear I will be alone forever.  Unwanted, unloved, and forever on my own. 
   I'm strong. It won't kill me to be alone. I actually quite enjoy alone time. It does get so hard when you can't stop thinking about the memories you miss, the memories you never made, the things you never said. 
   He ripped my life out from under me. Took everything I knew away. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to savor those "last times" 
   Like a light switch I lost my kids, the love of my life, my sanity, my heart, my friends.. I don't know how to stop loving him. I don't know how to stop thinking about him, praying for him, wondering about it all. 
   Other than that I'm doing good and rocking out my world. If only I never met him...   

June 2019

 So long since I've written here. Been almost 2 years since my love walked out on me. I'll never be over it. My heart aches. 
  My life however is doing great. I'm starting my own business. Looking for a new job since I am done at my last job. Don't ask long and boring but I'm feeling good about that too. 
   Im excited to see what new exciting things are in my future. Starting my own business and loving it. Business cards on the way. working this week on setting up a new site for my business. Doing craft workshops, birthday parties, paint nights
  

another month almost gone

 Good evening world. I'm here having a very strange month already. I've been spending my day trying to figure out how I can get enough money together to pay my mortgage. thought I almost had it but then saw my car insurance is going through today. Same day. Mortgage is due in two days. I don't know. I did get my car payment skipped for this month. That way I at least don't have that to worry about. Don't know why I'm worrying anyway because so far I haven't found anything I can do about it. Wait it out and have faith really. 
   I'm a broken record I realize, but I sure miss him. I look at the cameras and can almost see him out there smoking. I hear a car door and look to see if it's him coming home. It's been a year. When does it end? When do I stop watching? When do I stop wondering what could have been? When does the damn empty hole in my chest stop aching.  When does the pain end? Ever?
    I can't deal with it. I close my eyes he's there. I go to sleep he's there. I get on my facebook, he's there. I can't get rid of him. He is just off living the life he promised me. ugh pity party... I need to stop. Three positive thoughts, No more being lied to, and cheated on. Got therapy and no longer suicidal. Healing like I couldn't before. Still living in my house. Still hanging in there with bills. 
  Slipping all over with my bills. I really need to be making atleat 20 an hour. I could pay everything that way. Probably still a tight squeeze but atleast I could do it. Almost to the end of my challenge. I'm so excited, I just can't hide it. 
    I'll get things cleared up on my credit and paid down. Once I'm refinanced I think I'm going to have a House warming party. First off I never really had one, and second it will be mine. I won't have to worry about him trying to take it, or sell it, or move into it. 
     

New year

  Good morning. It's a beautiful day in my neighborhood. Been up since before the sun. I like it. It's such a peaceful time of day. Hardly any traffic. The house is quiet. Everything is still dark. I can think and listen and meditate. I love that time of day. Oddly enough though I don't like it if I have to get out of bed for work. lol I just started my 3rd business and I'm trying to get that all set up. I need to do the training for that one. Financial coach. Credit repair. Yes please, I need to repair my credit so I may as well be getting paid while I do that. I want to have my house refinanced in the next couple months. I need to move on and I am having a hard time at the moment. I still love him with all of my heart. I think about him every moment of every day. I know he's an alcoholic, I know he's bi polar, I know he doesn't want to be with me, I know he did awful things to me. I forgive him because he doesn't know what he is doing. He thinks all is well, but doctors and therapists tell me he can't possibly know what's going on if he's drinking with his bi polar meds. I just hope he doesn't wake up one day and wonder what the hell he did. Last year as I got out of therapy and the year went on all I kept hearing was, "he'll be back, he loves you" well he hasn't come back. He says he loves me but he is still with her. What does that tell us? Oh yea, that he in fact does not love me. He never did. That will not stop me from loving him. I have know from the moment I saw him that I was meant to love him. His mistakes don't change that fact. He is learning his lessons and if we are meant to be together we will be back together at the right time. Til then I am going to make my life better than anyone else ever has. Like I said, just started my third business and when I'm comfortable with that one, I'm going to start one more. Can decide if I want to sell CBD oil, or jewelry. I also have another platform that I wanted to watch the videos on and decide. I'm going to have so many things going on I won't be able to keep them straight. lol I think it's smart to have some different streams of income though. That way if I get a new job or have a change in life I am still covered financially. I want to travel this year. Catch up on road trips. Maybe go on a river run in July. Bet Spencer would go with Jaz and I. We could take her friend too. Hike, eat at out of the way restaurants. Love road trips. I would also like to go and visit Vegas. Didn't get to stay and look around the last time I was there. It was my birthday. Didn't get a present paid for my own dinner, and in fact not sure if he even said Happy Birthday. Oh well. the past is over. I can't change it. I can't make him love me. I can't change him. I can only live my life and hope and pray that I am right and that someday he will come back and be with me forever.  Not joking. Our souls are meant for each other. I believe it just as I have always believed that heaven and hell, are right here on earth and that religion is a joke. I've always thought religion to be a joke, as a small child I knew it. I know there is a greater power. The universe, God, Energy, whatever you want to call it, it is there, We are a part of it. But religion is a joke. A way for people to learn to hate other people who think differently. A place to worship whatever they have been told to worship. Nobody thinks for themselves in this dimension. It's all about what everyone else thinks. I think for myself. I may have just gotten my voice back, I may be able to finally say, "no I don't believe" but I don't. people need to learn these things on their own. I'm just glad my eyes are opening to my feeling and the things I know inside. I'm an empath. Psyhic at times. I can heal you by absorbing your bad energies and replacing them with my peaceful, positive energies. No it's not good for me. Just for my fellow man. It's my place here on this planet. Healing. I'm a bad ass warrior at it. Nobody can stop me anymore. I'm writing my story and it's going places. I'm psyched!!  Come back and read my stories. They'll be getting more adventurous real soon.   

thoughts

  Angels singing in my head
  shielding me from a world of dread
  wings protecting me from my fear
  and blocking the sight of that one last tear

  I gave my all, you threw it in my face
  tried to destroy my sanity and grace
  thought I would pack and leave this place
  it's you that's fallen to disgrace

  

       

hey

  Hey. What up world? So here we are Christmas weekend. it's in 3 days. I have a couple small gifts for my daughter but that's it. Nothing special.  
   We are living on the edge, I got my gas bill caught up but my electric, internet and phone are getting turned off. I haven't been grocery shopping since my bro gave me money months ago. We just eat whatever my mom shares with us. 
   I don't know what I would do with out my mom. She has nothing yet makes sure we have food to eat. 
    I'm so blessed in so many ways. I have my children, my mom, my home, my car, my sanity, I conquered suicide, now I don't have to fight with myself to stay alive anymore but yet I still wonder what is wrong with me. 
   I know I shouldn't love him. But I've loved him since I was 10. I don't know how to not love him. But why?  He doesn't love me. He probably doesn't even remember me. 
   He just ripped my life a part and went on his way. Everyone is still friends with him, likes his pictures, ya, isn't it great he had a wonderful time with the woman he betrayed me with. I'm glad you are all ok with him. I know he's messed up. Bi Polar and an alcoholic. Doesn't go together. No matter how much he thinks he's doing good. 
    it's ok I wish him the best and pray he's finally happy. I also wish us the best and pray we will be ok. I have hope, I have faith but then again, some days I feel I'm losing it I want to believe that all will be well. I want to believe that things are getting better but it's hard to say when you don't have the funds to pay the bills. I'm doing all I can for the moment. Posting, crafting, advertising. I don't know where else to look. 
    I love my family and want the best for them. I want to be able to take care of them. Financially as well as emotionally and it's hard for me to do either at the moment. i'm too stressed to be of use emotionally and I'm to broke to be of help financially. 
   I do intend this is temporary. I am worthy and capable of making money and have it attract to me like im a money magnet. I have money to live and money to give. I am grateful for the many blessings I have. 
   My calling in life is too help heal. I'm an empath. I can feel what you are feeling. You can lay in my arms and feel so much better because my energy will happily absorb any hurt, anxiety, pain.. etc.. 
   I am not like my Grandma who could see things. Not always but most of the time she was right. If you lost your keys, your wallet whatever, she could "look" and see where it was. She was correct a lot. At least when I asked her stuff. 
    I will be driving and see a car way up in front of me and I'll think, 'they are going to cut me off'  so I'll keep my eye on them and sure enough, they will cut me off. I knew he was not himself and cheating on me because I knew. Guess that one was easy though. It's not my first rodeo after all. 
   So I have met a lot of new people lately messaging people to promote my business. Every one of the men I speak to tell me on the first and or second hello, that they love me. What is up with that? Do you know what love is? You don't even know me. The only thing most of them have said to me is I'm beautiful and am I single. I know and yes. 
   I don't really feel any respect for someone who says they love me when they don't even know me. There is one person and if he reads this 'I'm sorry but it's how I feel'
   He's from another country, lives here in the States is an engineer for the military. He has two children,  a boy and a girl a little younger than mine. He seems really nice. He hasn't sent me any naked shots, he hasn't been lewd, in fact he's been nothing but supportive since we met. I believe it's been about 3 weeks but I'm not counting. 
  Last night we are messaging and he suddenly says that he's in love with me, we can move to his property in Alabama, and start a Coffee Shop together. He's going to treat me like a queen. 
   I know he would say "Let go of your past..." but come on I've heard it all before. "I love you. I never want to lose you. I'll do anything for you. We are a family. Nothing will ever tear us apart." 
  Then of course there is the obvious problem. Please tell me you all see it. I've known of his existence for about 3 weeks maybe just a bit longer. Yet he loves me. Wants to help me clean my house and pay my bills. Because I am his twin flame. 
   Ya ok. Twin Flame. Who knows maybe he's right. But I'm not looking to get hurt again. I'm not looking for anything but success and abundance of wealth in my life and businesses. 
   I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm too tired to have a long distance relationship. Im not asking for anyone's money per say, yet I would be forever grateful if someone set up a go fund me for me. Before my electric is turned off. lol
   I was doing so well until the last couple months. Not sure what changed. The utilities are higher, but not much higher. I don't know what happened but I am really anxious to get my businesses on their feet. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was thinking that it would be so nice if like in the movies someone would see my struggle and think , that poor woman doesn't deserve to be here again. and give me an envelope full of money so I can get caught up on my bills. 
   I can picture my self grocery shopping but I'm not sure if it's past of future. I can see myself Painting my deck, and working on my yard. In all these scenarios, I'm alone. 
   I don't mind being alone, don't get me wrong,  there are many pros to being alone. Having someone who has your back, someone to come home to and tell about your day, that is what is missed. Someone who wants nothing more than to cuddle with you and be in your presence. 
   What is that like I wonder. I don't remember but I'm sure it's lovely.  I watch people and think what do they do to make it work. Why do they get to have each other. Why don't I ever have anyone who wants to stay and fight for me. 
    I guess the answer is that I have to learn to fight for myself. Boy am I trying. If only the Universe would shower me some abundance so that I can pay my bills and get groceries without worry and stress. 
   I am deserving and worthy of wonderful things. I am deserving and worthy of someone who will love me unconditionally forever. I am enough. 
   Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, Kwanza, or Hanukkah. Whatever you celebrate, let it be peaceful and full of family and love. Life changes in a minute and it could take your whole world with it. 
    
   
   

Sunday morning

 Happy Sunday morning. Just needing to get some things off my chest and I have no one to talk to. I have a lifetime of memories and no one to share them with. I have memories that in my perception were lovely but in the one person that matters, they were boring and unhappy. 
  It tears me apart and makes me ache inside so bad that I want to curl up and cry until it's gone. I know it will never be gone. I know I'm wanting some sort of justice but really I just want the man that loved me back. The one who wanted to be more than an alcoholic. The one who told me to relax because he would never hurt me. I miss that guy. I love him. He's gone though and I have to come to terms with that so I can move on. I keep telling myself he's changed. That he loves her more than he ever loved me. I know that is not true. I believe in my soul that he still loves me. He just doesn't love himself. 
   I can't imagine what it's even like to be a bipolar, alcoholic, manic depressive. His mind is not right. Too bad you can't tell him that. I see things a little differently today. Today I see his girlfriend as just another pawn in his sick game of life. He used to tell me the same things he now tells her. Yet I'm jealous. Why am I jealous? He is a liar. He hurts people for his own selfish benefits. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is determined to make her love him yet she's not as stupid as me. She gets expensive presents and attention, vacations, trips, concerts, she demands it i'm sure. I never thought I deserved it but in reality, he never deserved me. 
   I would never have treated him like he did me. I didn't lie to him, he lied to me, lied to his kids about me. Made them hate me, hate my kids, made me doubt myself over and over. Cheated on me like it was nothing. Walked out laughing. Who does that?  I'm a Queen! Why would I let someone treat me like that?
   No, it is him that is missing out. It is him that will spend some time as I have. Living in hell, wondering how he got there. You can lie forever but those lies will always come out. They will always be there and even if they don't surface for others to see, they will still be in your brain. Asking you "what did you do to her?"  "She was so good to you"  and he will be laying somewhere in pain from rejection and humiliation and I will pop into your mind and you'll keep thinking about me and you'll have regrets about what you've done to me. It is then maybe you'll be able to tell me what you think I did to deserve being treated like this. 
    I however need to move on for myself and my kids. I need to gain back my self respect and real self. The love in me will never go away no matter what you've done. It would just be nice if you acknowledged what happened. 
   It makes me so sad and missing him so much. I don't have so many nightmares anymore. Well not the ones with him taunting me anyway. 
   I really need to get some things done in my house. My kitchen is a mess. Laundry is everywhere, my bed is so full of stuff I'm surprised I can sleep. 
   Need to get some financial things solved. Need to get my good credit back so that I can refinance and get new windows. That's number one. Then a cooler. (perhaps central air?)  I'm going to plant grass seed if I can get something growing. Anything is better than nothing. I also need to finish the bushes on the other side of the porch. 
   I don't need a man to make the improvements I see in my vision. Perhaps someday I'll find the person who wants to be my team mate. The someone who will do anything to keep me forever. The one who gives me respect and sees that I'm a diamond and can't be replaced. 
   They will find out. They will see. Karma doesn't let you do that to people and get away with it. Trust me I know. I've been down that path and really didn't like it. Too many lies. Too many secrets. I want someone who will stand in a room of models and say he's taken by me, and shows it. I deserve love. I give so much of it to others. First though, I deserve to love myself. Which means I have to forgive myself. 
    I deserve someone who makes everyone else jealous of me, instead of me jealous and unsure of everyone else. 
   I need to finish my book. I need to just get it all out. Put it out there and let it go. I'm almost a new person and today is the beginning of that. I am going to push myself to get some things done that I've been putting off. I don't know why. Depression I put myself in because it isn't hurting anyone else. He doesn't feel my pain. None of them do. I feel it dwell on it, that is my own problem of not being good at letting go. 
   He's gone. My love. He's gone. That life is never going to be there again. He loves another for a minute and then will leave her and move on the minute he's bored with her. Nobody will tell him this isn't how you treat people because "they don't want to get involved" 
    That's fine. But by not getting involved you are telling him that you agree it's ok he does this to people. The cycle just goes on and on. I wanted my family so badly and he just stole it all away with no indication he was leaving me.   I am not the one who lost out here. I'm the one who stayed strong and got help. I'm the one who doesn't need someone by my side to get through stuff. I have me and I'm awesome. 
   If only I had known..... would it have changed anything?  I don't know. I can't see a different past even though there are probably 12 other versions in different dimensions. Living it all out trying to pass the test. We haven't just met. We have been together for a very long time. He knows it. I know it. Others can probably see it. 
    I was good for him. I was stable for him. I would have done anything for him. Now I will do anything for me. Me. 
   I am going to be making so much money I can pay off my bills and do all kinds of great things to my house. Plus I want to pay it forward like my friend who gave me money yesterday. 
    I am excited to start this journey. I'm excited to see my future looking so bright in my eyes.