Sunday morning

 Happy Sunday morning. Just needing to get some things off my chest and I have no one to talk to. I have a lifetime of memories and no one to share them with. I have memories that in my perception were lovely but in the one person that matters, they were boring and unhappy. 
  It tears me apart and makes me ache inside so bad that I want to curl up and cry until it's gone. I know it will never be gone. I know I'm wanting some sort of justice but really I just want the man that loved me back. The one who wanted to be more than an alcoholic. The one who told me to relax because he would never hurt me. I miss that guy. I love him. He's gone though and I have to come to terms with that so I can move on. I keep telling myself he's changed. That he loves her more than he ever loved me. I know that is not true. I believe in my soul that he still loves me. He just doesn't love himself. 
   I can't imagine what it's even like to be a bipolar, alcoholic, manic depressive. His mind is not right. Too bad you can't tell him that. I see things a little differently today. Today I see his girlfriend as just another pawn in his sick game of life. He used to tell me the same things he now tells her. Yet I'm jealous. Why am I jealous? He is a liar. He hurts people for his own selfish benefits. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is determined to make her love him yet she's not as stupid as me. She gets expensive presents and attention, vacations, trips, concerts, she demands it i'm sure. I never thought I deserved it but in reality, he never deserved me. 
   I would never have treated him like he did me. I didn't lie to him, he lied to me, lied to his kids about me. Made them hate me, hate my kids, made me doubt myself over and over. Cheated on me like it was nothing. Walked out laughing. Who does that?  I'm a Queen! Why would I let someone treat me like that?
   No, it is him that is missing out. It is him that will spend some time as I have. Living in hell, wondering how he got there. You can lie forever but those lies will always come out. They will always be there and even if they don't surface for others to see, they will still be in your brain. Asking you "what did you do to her?"  "She was so good to you"  and he will be laying somewhere in pain from rejection and humiliation and I will pop into your mind and you'll keep thinking about me and you'll have regrets about what you've done to me. It is then maybe you'll be able to tell me what you think I did to deserve being treated like this. 
    I however need to move on for myself and my kids. I need to gain back my self respect and real self. The love in me will never go away no matter what you've done. It would just be nice if you acknowledged what happened. 
   It makes me so sad and missing him so much. I don't have so many nightmares anymore. Well not the ones with him taunting me anyway. 
   I really need to get some things done in my house. My kitchen is a mess. Laundry is everywhere, my bed is so full of stuff I'm surprised I can sleep. 
   Need to get some financial things solved. Need to get my good credit back so that I can refinance and get new windows. That's number one. Then a cooler. (perhaps central air?)  I'm going to plant grass seed if I can get something growing. Anything is better than nothing. I also need to finish the bushes on the other side of the porch. 
   I don't need a man to make the improvements I see in my vision. Perhaps someday I'll find the person who wants to be my team mate. The someone who will do anything to keep me forever. The one who gives me respect and sees that I'm a diamond and can't be replaced. 
   They will find out. They will see. Karma doesn't let you do that to people and get away with it. Trust me I know. I've been down that path and really didn't like it. Too many lies. Too many secrets. I want someone who will stand in a room of models and say he's taken by me, and shows it. I deserve love. I give so much of it to others. First though, I deserve to love myself. Which means I have to forgive myself. 
    I deserve someone who makes everyone else jealous of me, instead of me jealous and unsure of everyone else. 
   I need to finish my book. I need to just get it all out. Put it out there and let it go. I'm almost a new person and today is the beginning of that. I am going to push myself to get some things done that I've been putting off. I don't know why. Depression I put myself in because it isn't hurting anyone else. He doesn't feel my pain. None of them do. I feel it dwell on it, that is my own problem of not being good at letting go. 
   He's gone. My love. He's gone. That life is never going to be there again. He loves another for a minute and then will leave her and move on the minute he's bored with her. Nobody will tell him this isn't how you treat people because "they don't want to get involved" 
    That's fine. But by not getting involved you are telling him that you agree it's ok he does this to people. The cycle just goes on and on. I wanted my family so badly and he just stole it all away with no indication he was leaving me.   I am not the one who lost out here. I'm the one who stayed strong and got help. I'm the one who doesn't need someone by my side to get through stuff. I have me and I'm awesome. 
   If only I had known..... would it have changed anything?  I don't know. I can't see a different past even though there are probably 12 other versions in different dimensions. Living it all out trying to pass the test. We haven't just met. We have been together for a very long time. He knows it. I know it. Others can probably see it. 
    I was good for him. I was stable for him. I would have done anything for him. Now I will do anything for me. Me. 
   I am going to be making so much money I can pay off my bills and do all kinds of great things to my house. Plus I want to pay it forward like my friend who gave me money yesterday. 
    I am excited to start this journey. I'm excited to see my future looking so bright in my eyes.