thoughts

  Angels singing in my head
  shielding me from a world of dread
  wings protecting me from my fear
  and blocking the sight of that one last tear

  I gave my all, you threw it in my face
  tried to destroy my sanity and grace
  thought I would pack and leave this place
  it's you that's fallen to disgrace

  

       

hey

  Hey. What up world? So here we are Christmas weekend. it's in 3 days. I have a couple small gifts for my daughter but that's it. Nothing special.  
   We are living on the edge, I got my gas bill caught up but my electric, internet and phone are getting turned off. I haven't been grocery shopping since my bro gave me money months ago. We just eat whatever my mom shares with us. 
   I don't know what I would do with out my mom. She has nothing yet makes sure we have food to eat. 
    I'm so blessed in so many ways. I have my children, my mom, my home, my car, my sanity, I conquered suicide, now I don't have to fight with myself to stay alive anymore but yet I still wonder what is wrong with me. 
   I know I shouldn't love him. But I've loved him since I was 10. I don't know how to not love him. But why?  He doesn't love me. He probably doesn't even remember me. 
   He just ripped my life a part and went on his way. Everyone is still friends with him, likes his pictures, ya, isn't it great he had a wonderful time with the woman he betrayed me with. I'm glad you are all ok with him. I know he's messed up. Bi Polar and an alcoholic. Doesn't go together. No matter how much he thinks he's doing good. 
    it's ok I wish him the best and pray he's finally happy. I also wish us the best and pray we will be ok. I have hope, I have faith but then again, some days I feel I'm losing it I want to believe that all will be well. I want to believe that things are getting better but it's hard to say when you don't have the funds to pay the bills. I'm doing all I can for the moment. Posting, crafting, advertising. I don't know where else to look. 
    I love my family and want the best for them. I want to be able to take care of them. Financially as well as emotionally and it's hard for me to do either at the moment. i'm too stressed to be of use emotionally and I'm to broke to be of help financially. 
   I do intend this is temporary. I am worthy and capable of making money and have it attract to me like im a money magnet. I have money to live and money to give. I am grateful for the many blessings I have. 
   My calling in life is too help heal. I'm an empath. I can feel what you are feeling. You can lay in my arms and feel so much better because my energy will happily absorb any hurt, anxiety, pain.. etc.. 
   I am not like my Grandma who could see things. Not always but most of the time she was right. If you lost your keys, your wallet whatever, she could "look" and see where it was. She was correct a lot. At least when I asked her stuff. 
    I will be driving and see a car way up in front of me and I'll think, 'they are going to cut me off'  so I'll keep my eye on them and sure enough, they will cut me off. I knew he was not himself and cheating on me because I knew. Guess that one was easy though. It's not my first rodeo after all. 
   So I have met a lot of new people lately messaging people to promote my business. Every one of the men I speak to tell me on the first and or second hello, that they love me. What is up with that? Do you know what love is? You don't even know me. The only thing most of them have said to me is I'm beautiful and am I single. I know and yes. 
   I don't really feel any respect for someone who says they love me when they don't even know me. There is one person and if he reads this 'I'm sorry but it's how I feel'
   He's from another country, lives here in the States is an engineer for the military. He has two children,  a boy and a girl a little younger than mine. He seems really nice. He hasn't sent me any naked shots, he hasn't been lewd, in fact he's been nothing but supportive since we met. I believe it's been about 3 weeks but I'm not counting. 
  Last night we are messaging and he suddenly says that he's in love with me, we can move to his property in Alabama, and start a Coffee Shop together. He's going to treat me like a queen. 
   I know he would say "Let go of your past..." but come on I've heard it all before. "I love you. I never want to lose you. I'll do anything for you. We are a family. Nothing will ever tear us apart." 
  Then of course there is the obvious problem. Please tell me you all see it. I've known of his existence for about 3 weeks maybe just a bit longer. Yet he loves me. Wants to help me clean my house and pay my bills. Because I am his twin flame. 
   Ya ok. Twin Flame. Who knows maybe he's right. But I'm not looking to get hurt again. I'm not looking for anything but success and abundance of wealth in my life and businesses. 
   I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm too tired to have a long distance relationship. Im not asking for anyone's money per say, yet I would be forever grateful if someone set up a go fund me for me. Before my electric is turned off. lol
   I was doing so well until the last couple months. Not sure what changed. The utilities are higher, but not much higher. I don't know what happened but I am really anxious to get my businesses on their feet. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was thinking that it would be so nice if like in the movies someone would see my struggle and think , that poor woman doesn't deserve to be here again. and give me an envelope full of money so I can get caught up on my bills. 
   I can picture my self grocery shopping but I'm not sure if it's past of future. I can see myself Painting my deck, and working on my yard. In all these scenarios, I'm alone. 
   I don't mind being alone, don't get me wrong,  there are many pros to being alone. Having someone who has your back, someone to come home to and tell about your day, that is what is missed. Someone who wants nothing more than to cuddle with you and be in your presence. 
   What is that like I wonder. I don't remember but I'm sure it's lovely.  I watch people and think what do they do to make it work. Why do they get to have each other. Why don't I ever have anyone who wants to stay and fight for me. 
    I guess the answer is that I have to learn to fight for myself. Boy am I trying. If only the Universe would shower me some abundance so that I can pay my bills and get groceries without worry and stress. 
   I am deserving and worthy of wonderful things. I am deserving and worthy of someone who will love me unconditionally forever. I am enough. 
   Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, Kwanza, or Hanukkah. Whatever you celebrate, let it be peaceful and full of family and love. Life changes in a minute and it could take your whole world with it. 
    
   
   

Sunday morning

 Happy Sunday morning. Just needing to get some things off my chest and I have no one to talk to. I have a lifetime of memories and no one to share them with. I have memories that in my perception were lovely but in the one person that matters, they were boring and unhappy. 
  It tears me apart and makes me ache inside so bad that I want to curl up and cry until it's gone. I know it will never be gone. I know I'm wanting some sort of justice but really I just want the man that loved me back. The one who wanted to be more than an alcoholic. The one who told me to relax because he would never hurt me. I miss that guy. I love him. He's gone though and I have to come to terms with that so I can move on. I keep telling myself he's changed. That he loves her more than he ever loved me. I know that is not true. I believe in my soul that he still loves me. He just doesn't love himself. 
   I can't imagine what it's even like to be a bipolar, alcoholic, manic depressive. His mind is not right. Too bad you can't tell him that. I see things a little differently today. Today I see his girlfriend as just another pawn in his sick game of life. He used to tell me the same things he now tells her. Yet I'm jealous. Why am I jealous? He is a liar. He hurts people for his own selfish benefits. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. He is determined to make her love him yet she's not as stupid as me. She gets expensive presents and attention, vacations, trips, concerts, she demands it i'm sure. I never thought I deserved it but in reality, he never deserved me. 
   I would never have treated him like he did me. I didn't lie to him, he lied to me, lied to his kids about me. Made them hate me, hate my kids, made me doubt myself over and over. Cheated on me like it was nothing. Walked out laughing. Who does that?  I'm a Queen! Why would I let someone treat me like that?
   No, it is him that is missing out. It is him that will spend some time as I have. Living in hell, wondering how he got there. You can lie forever but those lies will always come out. They will always be there and even if they don't surface for others to see, they will still be in your brain. Asking you "what did you do to her?"  "She was so good to you"  and he will be laying somewhere in pain from rejection and humiliation and I will pop into your mind and you'll keep thinking about me and you'll have regrets about what you've done to me. It is then maybe you'll be able to tell me what you think I did to deserve being treated like this. 
    I however need to move on for myself and my kids. I need to gain back my self respect and real self. The love in me will never go away no matter what you've done. It would just be nice if you acknowledged what happened. 
   It makes me so sad and missing him so much. I don't have so many nightmares anymore. Well not the ones with him taunting me anyway. 
   I really need to get some things done in my house. My kitchen is a mess. Laundry is everywhere, my bed is so full of stuff I'm surprised I can sleep. 
   Need to get some financial things solved. Need to get my good credit back so that I can refinance and get new windows. That's number one. Then a cooler. (perhaps central air?)  I'm going to plant grass seed if I can get something growing. Anything is better than nothing. I also need to finish the bushes on the other side of the porch. 
   I don't need a man to make the improvements I see in my vision. Perhaps someday I'll find the person who wants to be my team mate. The someone who will do anything to keep me forever. The one who gives me respect and sees that I'm a diamond and can't be replaced. 
   They will find out. They will see. Karma doesn't let you do that to people and get away with it. Trust me I know. I've been down that path and really didn't like it. Too many lies. Too many secrets. I want someone who will stand in a room of models and say he's taken by me, and shows it. I deserve love. I give so much of it to others. First though, I deserve to love myself. Which means I have to forgive myself. 
    I deserve someone who makes everyone else jealous of me, instead of me jealous and unsure of everyone else. 
   I need to finish my book. I need to just get it all out. Put it out there and let it go. I'm almost a new person and today is the beginning of that. I am going to push myself to get some things done that I've been putting off. I don't know why. Depression I put myself in because it isn't hurting anyone else. He doesn't feel my pain. None of them do. I feel it dwell on it, that is my own problem of not being good at letting go. 
   He's gone. My love. He's gone. That life is never going to be there again. He loves another for a minute and then will leave her and move on the minute he's bored with her. Nobody will tell him this isn't how you treat people because "they don't want to get involved" 
    That's fine. But by not getting involved you are telling him that you agree it's ok he does this to people. The cycle just goes on and on. I wanted my family so badly and he just stole it all away with no indication he was leaving me.   I am not the one who lost out here. I'm the one who stayed strong and got help. I'm the one who doesn't need someone by my side to get through stuff. I have me and I'm awesome. 
   If only I had known..... would it have changed anything?  I don't know. I can't see a different past even though there are probably 12 other versions in different dimensions. Living it all out trying to pass the test. We haven't just met. We have been together for a very long time. He knows it. I know it. Others can probably see it. 
    I was good for him. I was stable for him. I would have done anything for him. Now I will do anything for me. Me. 
   I am going to be making so much money I can pay off my bills and do all kinds of great things to my house. Plus I want to pay it forward like my friend who gave me money yesterday. 
    I am excited to start this journey. I'm excited to see my future looking so bright in my eyes.  
    

Been awhile so sorry

    Hello world. I haven't written on this blog for awhile. I'm doing so now because I feel I have to get some things out. My other blog is for more gaining happiness not having a pity party. 
   I'm not necessarily having a pity party because I am dang blessed. I have so much to be grateful for. In fact the blessings way out way the stresses. 
   I really can't tolerate this holiday anymore. I haven't put my tree up yet. I haven't gotten any presents. I haven't gotten any sales, no money, no team mates. I'm so tired I really don't know what to do. Get another job? Keep posting and don't give up on my ITWorks, and my Etsy shop. 
  I have been debating doing a third business in hopes that I can get them all going. I need to be more ambitious about my businesses. I need to have more confidence in my talents. 
    My art, my crafts, my talents, are just as wonderful as everyone elses. They are just as beautiful and worth everything I charge. I know people always complain that homemade stuff is to expensive. But I had to buy supplies, I had to spend the time and energy to make it. Then I had to post it which costs me money as well. I have to drive to the post office and mail out the crafts I sell. Expensive?  I don't think I charge enough sometimes. Right now I have most of my crafts lowered in price for the holidays and I'm still not selling anything. I need a new hook line. I'm not sure if that's what it's called but I need another hook line. Supposedly it takes time to get things rolling and that's cool. I think I like that I'm trying. I never used to think my crafts were really worth anything. Since therapy though, I have realized that my crafts are worth just as much as I say they are. 
   I need to get Office for my laptop because I am so tired of not having WORD. I can't write my books properly if I don't have the proper tools. I think I want to write this is us first. I think perhaps it may be healing for me to get my side of the story out there. Or rather off my chest and hopefully out of my head. 
    I'm seeing someone and he's pretty messed up by life as well. He's a good person I can tell he is, but he is way messed up. People in his life that are of no use to his growth just keep hurting him. As I see it he needs to walk away from them. If they are true friends they will respect that and rise to his level of consciousness. 
    He needs to get away from the negativity that is surrounding him in his life. He always says we are supposed to forgive, not just toss our friends out. I used to think that way too. Glad I don't anymore. I only care what I think, and what the universe thinks. 
   I am worthy of someone who is honest, caring, thoughtful, loving, faithful, loyal, and wants to do what it takes to keep me. Someone who truly loves me so much that they will do anything to see me smile. 
   I need some honest love. I need someone who is faithful and loyal and sweet. Until then I will be that person for myself. 
   I've built up some walls. I let some people through and others not so much. I get defensive easily. I've been tortured by love as I fell into the deep, deep depths of hell. It's all around us you know. But to get back out? Now that takes strength. Getting back out alone? Priceless. 
   I am a warrior. A Leo, A woman. We have more in common with each other than any of us realize. I am worthy. I am enough. I am worth every bit of it. 
   I love hard. I heal them and they leave and have the lives they promised me, with someone else. Man sometimes it really hurts getting left behind. Don't get me wrong I 'm used to getting left behind, but sometimes you just get a flash of a memory, a smile, a look, and it throws you right back to that moment. And sometimes it's hard to let go of that memory. 
   If you don't keep present you will find yourself un protected. You won't be able to be happy so don't look back don't stress forward, learn to adapt to change no matter what happens. Be strong. I am a warrior loving myself, my children and family and friends. 
    I won't back down. I WON'T LOSE MY challenge. I will get my house and car refinanced but I really need to get some other things paid off as well. I need to come up with a plan. .  
    My companies will be a great success if I don't give up. If I stay positive and every day do something to expand my customer base, I will be successful. I'll wake up and try to enjoy things again in awhile. I have a vision of what I should be doing. I should be road tripping it. I should be visiting lighthouses and beaches and oceans, and seas. I should be laughing around a campfire with people I love. 
   Instead I'm alone. Very blessed in other areas of my life. I realize things could be worse, my challenges harder, but I also think we draw towards us what we want.  So staying positive can bring positive things, and staying positive keeps everyone happy and calm. 
   I'll do my intentions and boy I'll get an earful but I really think that  I need to be having some positive energy coming back to me. I've learned I a lot of lessons this year. I've gained some knowledge about myself. Like I'm am hella strong. 
   I'm not afraid to tell my story. I'm done with people trying to make me look crazy when there is nothing that is my fault. I was abused. Now i'm crazy. Whatever, atleast I'm not an alcoholic, bipolar, mental depressive wreck. At least I don't go around telling lies about people I pretend to love. I don't hurt people on purpose and I don't think that anyone until lately has taken the time to notice me for something other than just a dumb blonde. My ex thought of me like that, he had no respect, no thoughtfulness, no heart. 
    I will never forget the look on his face as I began my descent to hell, knife in hand thinking "finally" and he just chuckled and walked out of the room closing the door behind him. That was it. Just like, i'll leave you to it then. 
   How anyone can go out and see another woman, still lying about it, still telling me they love me, they will always love me. They still want us. It's all ridiculous. You can't trust anyone in this world. Nobody but yourself and even then don't listen to your brain because it lies to us. 
    I'm so sad this year. I don't even want to be around for Christmas. And the parties... the fact I can't afford presents for my kids for the first time in .. well ever. 
   I'm not sure why but my heart has been feeling really broken again. I have been so sad. I don't know if it's just the season and I have no money or if it's the season because it's been almost a year since I told him to leave. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I love him with all my heart. I always will. He took advantage of that. He used every thing I told him against me. He promised me a life that he is now living with someone else. 
   I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror. I wouldn't be able to . I would be so ashamed of myself. I really don't think I could have done to him what he did to me though. Nobody deserves to go through that pain and anguish. 
   He knows I love him with all my heart yet it means nothing to him to flaunt his new girlfriend around like she is so splendid. She's not  he's not, They are not. They are alcoholics and won't admit it, of course they are so of course they won't admit it. I have a theory about what happened. 
    I think at some point he was mad at me, and he went to the bar, got drunk, made a bad choice and cheated on me, and then because he would never forgive me doing that to him, he decided that he needed to find the next girl to live with. Then he was so guilt ridden that he continued to drink more and more until it was more important that anything else. 
   I am so sad. I know I'm strong I have hope that everything is just going to work out. I don't know how but then I guess that is what faith is all about.