First day of summer

 Friday, first day of summer. I should be ecstatic. I'm really not though. Let me just first say that my life as a whole is pretty great. I have my home, nice car, new businesses, friends, family, talents, opportunities that are endless. 
  I am grateful for everyone that is in my life and even for the ones who left. I have graduated from and intensive program and won that too. I've gained knowledge, peace, and confidence. 
   Yet here I still sit, thinking of him. Why? He's a liar, cheater, selfish, narcissist, alcoholic. He hurt me more than any of the others put together. 
   If you are in a room with someone, especially someone you know is madly and deeply in love with you, please do not treat them like trash, laugh at them as they try and kill themselves and then walk out the door. Even if you hate them, stay, make sure they know they can talk, and that there are always options. 
   I have loved him since I was 10. We have gone out a couple times. Now I don't know what to do to let go and move on. He occupies my every thought regardless of how many times I tell my mind to stop. 
    My life was made into a joke, my feelings forgotten completely. Treated like trash and thrown out to the curb like so much garbage. I was humiliated, crushed, angry, lost, lonely, and still to this day don't understand.    I want to forget, I want to let go and move on. I want him to see that I don't need him to have a wonderfully happy life. I want to work out and get healthy, so when he sees me he can tell I'm doing good. 
   I want my bank account to grow until everyone needs me. I want to find my true love and be treated like a Queen, but I fear that there is nobody out there for me. I fear I will be alone forever.  Unwanted, unloved, and forever on my own. 
   I'm strong. It won't kill me to be alone. I actually quite enjoy alone time. It does get so hard when you can't stop thinking about the memories you miss, the memories you never made, the things you never said. 
   He ripped my life out from under me. Took everything I knew away. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to savor those "last times" 
   Like a light switch I lost my kids, the love of my life, my sanity, my heart, my friends.. I don't know how to stop loving him. I don't know how to stop thinking about him, praying for him, wondering about it all. 
   Other than that I'm doing good and rocking out my world. If only I never met him...   

June 2019

 So long since I've written here. Been almost 2 years since my love walked out on me. I'll never be over it. My heart aches. 
  My life however is doing great. I'm starting my own business. Looking for a new job since I am done at my last job. Don't ask long and boring but I'm feeling good about that too. 
   Im excited to see what new exciting things are in my future. Starting my own business and loving it. Business cards on the way. working this week on setting up a new site for my business. Doing craft workshops, birthday parties, paint nights
  

another month almost gone

 Good evening world. I'm here having a very strange month already. I've been spending my day trying to figure out how I can get enough money together to pay my mortgage. thought I almost had it but then saw my car insurance is going through today. Same day. Mortgage is due in two days. I don't know. I did get my car payment skipped for this month. That way I at least don't have that to worry about. Don't know why I'm worrying anyway because so far I haven't found anything I can do about it. Wait it out and have faith really. 
   I'm a broken record I realize, but I sure miss him. I look at the cameras and can almost see him out there smoking. I hear a car door and look to see if it's him coming home. It's been a year. When does it end? When do I stop watching? When do I stop wondering what could have been? When does the damn empty hole in my chest stop aching.  When does the pain end? Ever?
    I can't deal with it. I close my eyes he's there. I go to sleep he's there. I get on my facebook, he's there. I can't get rid of him. He is just off living the life he promised me. ugh pity party... I need to stop. Three positive thoughts, No more being lied to, and cheated on. Got therapy and no longer suicidal. Healing like I couldn't before. Still living in my house. Still hanging in there with bills. 
  Slipping all over with my bills. I really need to be making atleat 20 an hour. I could pay everything that way. Probably still a tight squeeze but atleast I could do it. Almost to the end of my challenge. I'm so excited, I just can't hide it. 
    I'll get things cleared up on my credit and paid down. Once I'm refinanced I think I'm going to have a House warming party. First off I never really had one, and second it will be mine. I won't have to worry about him trying to take it, or sell it, or move into it. 
     

New year

  Good morning. It's a beautiful day in my neighborhood. Been up since before the sun. I like it. It's such a peaceful time of day. Hardly any traffic. The house is quiet. Everything is still dark. I can think and listen and meditate. I love that time of day. Oddly enough though I don't like it if I have to get out of bed for work. lol I just started my 3rd business and I'm trying to get that all set up. I need to do the training for that one. Financial coach. Credit repair. Yes please, I need to repair my credit so I may as well be getting paid while I do that. I want to have my house refinanced in the next couple months. I need to move on and I am having a hard time at the moment. I still love him with all of my heart. I think about him every moment of every day. I know he's an alcoholic, I know he's bi polar, I know he doesn't want to be with me, I know he did awful things to me. I forgive him because he doesn't know what he is doing. He thinks all is well, but doctors and therapists tell me he can't possibly know what's going on if he's drinking with his bi polar meds. I just hope he doesn't wake up one day and wonder what the hell he did. Last year as I got out of therapy and the year went on all I kept hearing was, "he'll be back, he loves you" well he hasn't come back. He says he loves me but he is still with her. What does that tell us? Oh yea, that he in fact does not love me. He never did. That will not stop me from loving him. I have know from the moment I saw him that I was meant to love him. His mistakes don't change that fact. He is learning his lessons and if we are meant to be together we will be back together at the right time. Til then I am going to make my life better than anyone else ever has. Like I said, just started my third business and when I'm comfortable with that one, I'm going to start one more. Can decide if I want to sell CBD oil, or jewelry. I also have another platform that I wanted to watch the videos on and decide. I'm going to have so many things going on I won't be able to keep them straight. lol I think it's smart to have some different streams of income though. That way if I get a new job or have a change in life I am still covered financially. I want to travel this year. Catch up on road trips. Maybe go on a river run in July. Bet Spencer would go with Jaz and I. We could take her friend too. Hike, eat at out of the way restaurants. Love road trips. I would also like to go and visit Vegas. Didn't get to stay and look around the last time I was there. It was my birthday. Didn't get a present paid for my own dinner, and in fact not sure if he even said Happy Birthday. Oh well. the past is over. I can't change it. I can't make him love me. I can't change him. I can only live my life and hope and pray that I am right and that someday he will come back and be with me forever.  Not joking. Our souls are meant for each other. I believe it just as I have always believed that heaven and hell, are right here on earth and that religion is a joke. I've always thought religion to be a joke, as a small child I knew it. I know there is a greater power. The universe, God, Energy, whatever you want to call it, it is there, We are a part of it. But religion is a joke. A way for people to learn to hate other people who think differently. A place to worship whatever they have been told to worship. Nobody thinks for themselves in this dimension. It's all about what everyone else thinks. I think for myself. I may have just gotten my voice back, I may be able to finally say, "no I don't believe" but I don't. people need to learn these things on their own. I'm just glad my eyes are opening to my feeling and the things I know inside. I'm an empath. Psyhic at times. I can heal you by absorbing your bad energies and replacing them with my peaceful, positive energies. No it's not good for me. Just for my fellow man. It's my place here on this planet. Healing. I'm a bad ass warrior at it. Nobody can stop me anymore. I'm writing my story and it's going places. I'm psyched!!  Come back and read my stories. They'll be getting more adventurous real soon.