another month almost gone

 Good evening world. I'm here having a very strange month already. I've been spending my day trying to figure out how I can get enough money together to pay my mortgage. thought I almost had it but then saw my car insurance is going through today. Same day. Mortgage is due in two days. I don't know. I did get my car payment skipped for this month. That way I at least don't have that to worry about. Don't know why I'm worrying anyway because so far I haven't found anything I can do about it. Wait it out and have faith really. 
   I'm a broken record I realize, but I sure miss him. I look at the cameras and can almost see him out there smoking. I hear a car door and look to see if it's him coming home. It's been a year. When does it end? When do I stop watching? When do I stop wondering what could have been? When does the damn empty hole in my chest stop aching.  When does the pain end? Ever?
    I can't deal with it. I close my eyes he's there. I go to sleep he's there. I get on my facebook, he's there. I can't get rid of him. He is just off living the life he promised me. ugh pity party... I need to stop. Three positive thoughts, No more being lied to, and cheated on. Got therapy and no longer suicidal. Healing like I couldn't before. Still living in my house. Still hanging in there with bills. 
  Slipping all over with my bills. I really need to be making atleat 20 an hour. I could pay everything that way. Probably still a tight squeeze but atleast I could do it. Almost to the end of my challenge. I'm so excited, I just can't hide it. 
    I'll get things cleared up on my credit and paid down. Once I'm refinanced I think I'm going to have a House warming party. First off I never really had one, and second it will be mine. I won't have to worry about him trying to take it, or sell it, or move into it.