Saturday

January 30, 2016...


    Funny how you can just be living your life happy as can be and bam just like that your whole world gets dumped upside down. This is the thing I was really liking about being single.  Total control.  
    My loves oldest and his girlfriend moved into my basement a week ago.  I told them they could do laundry on Tuesday and Thursday, the driveway is ours you can park on the road, and don't have your tv up blasting with your surround.
    The weekend comes and they are doing their laundry, I said "is it Tuesday or Thursday?"  and they are like "no but you weren't using it so we can do what we want"  I of course freaked out and made them remove the laundry and reminded them they have Tuesday and Thursday.  Two days later and they have the tv up so loud its shaking my house and I scream down a couple times to turn it down but nope.  So I stomped on the floor and then screamed to turn it down.  Also they have moved my garbage cans and parked two cars in my driveway so now my love has no place to park.
     I complained to my love, who is out of town til God knows when, but he of course just lets the little brat do whatever he wants.  The boy texted me a couple days ago saying he can do what he wants and I'm just a joke and called all my kids names, took me right back to the rusty days, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse. Spent the entire day yesterday after work locked in my bedroom because for the first time since we bought it, I no longer feel like it is my house or that I'm even welcome here. I think I shall be leaving soon and it breaks my heart that our great relationship will be over just because of his need to be a friend rather than a father.
    

Tuesday

January 26, 2016....


   Is it really the end of January already?!? Time just flies.  Wish I was having fun for it. Anyway work was good.  Not too busy, read about a quarter of a book and painted a bunch of masterpieces on paint.   You want my life, I know just admit it.
   Two days down and only four to go.  My love will be home on Saturday.  When he is home though they think they have run of the place. They do not.  She is now parking in the driveway which is fine for now but my love gets his spot back when he gets home on Saturday.  We are not going to be parking on the road at our own property.
    Next week is the girls Birthday party.  She will be the big 11 years old.  So much fun.  She's already sassy as crap.  She used to help me all day with chores. Now I tell her to do a chore and she has a heart attack.  She whines so long she could have had the chore done but instead hasn't even started. I sure miss them all being little.  They are great when they are little, they are easy to take care of and easy to control.   Now they just all piss me off.
     The weather was great today.  Still cold but it was also blue skies and sunshine instead of the usual gray murk. I really dislike winter.
  

Monday

January 25, 2015....


   Living with adult kids is NOT the business. I think I may end up going insane.   On Wednesday my loves oldest son and his girlfriend came over to let us know that her parents kicked them out and they needed a place to live. I explained they could live with us until the found another place.  (a couple of weeks)  My love decided they should have a month.  He told them a month.  They paid for a month.  Now they are walking around saying they are staying for 4 months. They are not.
   Boy 2 called Friday saying he was going to be homeless and was scared and didn't know what to do. We drove to Idaho and picked him up.  He is now sleeping on my front room couch.  I can't take the mess. I can't take the stress. I can't take supporting 8 people.  I don't make enough for it.  Last night 3 people didn't even get dinner because the others ate it all.
   When I was 18 I moved out. Lived in apartment with roommates for several months and then moved but still with roommates. I was finally in my own place by the time I was 21. I know it's hard these days.  I know you need help all the time in life, but I don't have the patience to be supporting a crew of adults while they sit around and play video games.
     I think I may end up getting ulcers with all this stress.  We shall see.

Sunday..

 January 17, 2016.....

      I heard from Boy 2 today.  Just letting me know they don't have wifi so he's sorry about using all the date already.  No problem son it's almost time to reset it and usually we don't come close to using it all.   Wish I knew if he had a job or not.   He needs one if he's going to have a life.   Little girl will be home this evening and thankfully has tomorrow off school so I don't have to leave as early.
     I really don't like when the weekend is over. At least I get off early tomorrow.  I scheduled an entire week off the first week of July and don't know what I'm going to do with myself when the time comes.   I don't think I've ever scheduled the entire week off .  It should be amazing!  We are going to Yellowstone and my love will be with me.   I cherish each and every new adventure and memory we get to make together.  I just love him so much.   I love Yellowstone and can't wait for us to share that with each other.
      I'd also like for us to go on a cruise or something together.   Just me and Tom.   To Alaska would be wonderful....  or somewhere tropical would also be wonderful as well. I am really not a picky person.  I have had so little this far in my life everything I do and every place I go is new and wonderful.   The girl would like to go on a Disney cruise.   That would be fun as well. Family time is fun.  You don't get it back.  They grow up and move away and start their lives.....
      

Saturday...

  January 16, 2016....

   My love is home it was wonderful to see him. I slept like a baby. We have been all over today, Verizon for a new phone, Best buy for a new printer.  Lunch, out to visit Nick.   I'm glad we are home and hope we don't have to leave again any time soon.
   I heard from boy 2 today.   Says things are going alright.  I was hoping things would be going great since he lives so far away but no, just alright.   He did also say that he misses me too.  So there's that.
The other two are at work and the little one is at the Donors house for the weekend.
  Glad my love is home guess I'll go watch movies or something.

Friday, January 15, 2016.....

    It's finally Friday!!  My love will be home today!!  He has been gone for 2 weeks and I have been going insane missing him. I'm so excited I left work early to come home and tidy up.  He deserves to come home to a clean house.
    I'm so excited!!  I just can't hide it!!  ha ha  Work dragged all day that I was there. We have been crazy busy as of late though so I won't complain. Haven't heard from boy 2.   Hopefully he is well. Boy 1 is at work and I'm not sure of Girl 1 I think she is also at work.  I'm about ready to go play with the other girl until Donor picks her up later.
    Well obviously have a one track mind so to be cont.....

Sunday...

January 10, 2016....

    I have accomplished more today than I did all day yesterday.   I have cleaned my kitchen including sweeping and mopping the floors. I Put a pork roast in the crock pot for dinner.  The girl had toaster strudels for breakfast with a tall glass of chocolate milk.   I have also swept and mopped the entryway, and the bathroom upstairs. I took out the garbage and did a load of laundry.
     Still have some things I wanted to do today like change the bedding and wash the sheets. I also wanted to pull out my scrap book stuff and see if I couldn't get any more of the pages that are ready put into the books they belong in.   This whole limbo for 3 years of my life has left me so behind and scattered with my hobby.  I haven't even done anything with it for awhile.
    Guess break time is over and I will get back to my house chores.   Trying to get things done and what not so it's not so dirty when my love comes home on Friday.   He's at Arches right now.  Enjoying a little down time.   He sure deserves it.   All he does is work and sit home with me.   Love that man. I keep getting updated pictures that are beautiful.  I love that he thinks of me enough to send me the pics.  Most guys would either send them at the end of the day or they would just wait til they got home.
    I love my life right now.  We may still have some debt we need to get rid of and I may not make as much as I'd like but I've left that in Gods hands and I'm trying to work on being thankful and at peace with my life.  My biggest lesson with my love is remaining calm and not reacting to a situation until you have all the information.  You never know how things are going to turn out and most of the time there is nothing you can do anyway.
    I felt really good when I was looking each day for things to be grateful for.  I always found a lot of things I was grateful for and it made me want more, a lot less.
    If I took the time I would have: I'm grateful for my kids, (even the one that left me) my home especially, My car, My job (even though I would really like to find something equal in benefits but higher paying) and so so much, My love.  He is always taking care of me.  Whether he is out working, or home cleaning the house.   When I am sick he is right there, making sure I don't need anything. Getting me anything I do need and taking care of the house and the kids while I sleep.
He includes me in everything (another thing I am still trying to get used to).   He tells me he loves me all the time but even more he shows me. Everyday in a million ways. I'm grateful for my friends that stand by me always, the ones who are there now and then but always make me laugh, and the ones that taught me how easily a person can just be done. Not just on their behalf either.   In a few cases it appears it was pretty easy for myself as well.
    I am grateful for our parents who look out for us as best they can. For having food to feed everyone and the money to buy it.   Each day you can be thankful for a million things.   The more you find to be thankful for the happier you will be.

Saturday...

  January 9, 2016...

    First week down with my love out of town, one week to go.  He should be home to me on Friday.  I have to say I really don't like this whole traveling for work thing.   I miss him so much when he's gone.   I'm used to being alone so that part doesn't really phase me. I can take out the trash and put gas in the car and shovel the walks.   I can take care of the kids and get myself to and from work.
   But I miss him. I miss his voice, his laugh and most of all his arms around me.   One more week.  It has also been almost a week since Boy 2 spread his wings and moved not only away from me but an entire state away from me.  When he says he needs to start his life he really means business.   No job yet that I have heard.  He's hoping to work at a smoke shop she he can do his tricks and be appreciated.   Boy 1 is still working and hanging out at home. I worry about him and his lack of a life. I hope he finds his way soon so he can have some experiences as well.
    The girl is right now at the local classic fun center with her cousin doing who knows what.  I have been doing some laundry, and slowly cleaning my kitchen... very lazy today.  Woke up at 10, laid in bed til the girl got up.  I fed her breakfast put a few things in the kitchen away and decided to lay back down for a bit. I got up again at 2.
    I took the girls over at around 4. She said she would call when she was ready to come home. I haven't heard anything but know she needs to be picked up by 10.  Hope she is just ready to and waiting by the door so I don't have to hold up traffic and I really don't want to have to circle around it is utter chaos there.  Not looking forward to the girls birthday party with that unholy parking situation but I guess we will all power through.   I am not a traffic/people person.  I used to love going places with the crowds, being a part of things.   Staying home with my love and a nice bottle of wine is fine with me these days.   No traffic.   No people.  No expense.
     Guess I'm getting old. I sure feel old.

Thursday..

January 7, 2016.....

      We have almost made it to Friday, Oh happy day!!  I'm so tired this week.  Normally we are so slow at work that you get tired from boredom.  This week I have been just completely wiped out it has been so busy.  I don't believe it was this busy before either. But what do I know.   Perhaps it will slow down next week.   At least it makes the time go by faster when you are busy.
       It is snowing big fat snowflakes. I think it's pretty but that doesn't stop me from disliking it immensely. I prefer the spring summer and fall.  I haven't been warm in quit awhile and it's really starting to wear thin driving on the icy roads. I wish I could hibernate like a bear.   Just stay in my house for the winter in my warm jammies and cuddle in my blankets. Dreamin.....


     

Wednesday...

January 6, 2016....

    A part of my heart has left me.  Boy 2 flew the coop to test his wings yesterday.  He wasn't happy just leaving he really had to get away, and headed to a whole new state.  Now his room sits mostly empty.  I know it's only been one full day but I have been holding back tears the entire time.  I know what it felt like to want to leave. To want my own life, do what I wanted.   So I truly try to be the good mom that doesn't make a scene and cry all day and take it personally.  I try to say "He's an adult, he'll be just fine."  but really I'm not sure. There is suddenly a huge empty whole right in the middle of my chest.   I hope it shrinks because ouch!
   The other kids are doing great.  My love is out of town, this will be day 3 and only about 9 more to go.  I am trying not to think about that either. I miss him so much.  I still sit by the window waiting for him to come home from work , then he'll call to tell me they are back at the hotel and I finally have to give up the wait.  I'm so lazy as well.  Guess I feel I have nobody to keep the house clean for.
Dishes are piling up in the sink.  The garbage is stinking up the house.  The floor needs to be swept and it wouldn't hurt to mop it either.  Oh well maybe in 7 days.  I'll make it clean for when he gets back.
    The girl is with her Donor today. She won't be home til later.  Boy 1 is at work. The other girl I haven't seen for days but I think she is down in her cave.  It's quiet and lonely.  My scrapbook stuff is still packed up in the closet so I can't work on that to pass the time.  Guess it will be Netflix then.  Netflix and maybe a pizza?  We shall see.

Monday..

January 4, 2016....

    Not sure about this years start although I'm feeling hopeful and trying to stay optimistic.   New Years Eve was a complete bust! Ended up driving around doing kids errands til after nine and then when I finally got home and got dinner ready it was past 10, my love had already had a few drinks and was pretty much out by 10:30.  My boys wouldn't come up from their video games to celebrate with the girl and I so we were alone at the strike of 12.  Me and my girl, just like always.
    Boy 2 is moving to Idaho tomorrow midday.  The boy that isn't mine will be here to pick him up and take him away.  Excited for him, scared to death for him (he has no job lined up) and already missing him.  Guess I'm the mom.  The girl keeps getting teary eyed and grandma is coming unglued. I'll keep you posted on myself and how I hold it together tomorrow.
    Finishing off a four day weekend, already had such great news, then find out my love is out of town for a week.  I can handle a week, no problem.  Til he called this morning to tell me he will be gone for atleast 12 days.   Twelve days.  Don't know if I can handle that.
    I'll have more time for writing.  I'll have more time for cleaning.  More time to drive kids around. More time to go insane wanting to touch him.   To hear his voice. To sit quietly listening to him breathe when I wake at night and can't sleep.  Twelve days.  We shall see.