December 30, 2013....

   Here I am, on the verge on a New Year.  I am going to make it the best year yet, I'm not sure how I'm going to do that I just know I am.  I am hoping to finally get past the block in my head and figure out what is going to make me money so I can support myself and my kids.  Without even Child Support would be ideal but I need to at least be able to pay our mortgage , or rent or whatever..
    I am grateful as always for everything I have, and also for everyone in my life.  My family, friends and mostly my kids.   I am forever grateful I have a job and even though it doesn't cover it all it covers most of it.
    I am hopeful for the New Year.  I am hopeful it will be the year I am finally divorced and also the year I can support myself.  I am also hopeful that I can accomplish some goals and I would like to meet some new people and try something new as well. I don't know, maybe a class or something not sure but would like to try something new.   I don't care for resolutions but I am working on a new list of goals short term and long term.
     At the top of that list is BE HAPPY.  And that is the main thing i'll be working on.

Sunday December 29, 2013...

    Lazing about with my daughter, trying not to stress about how I'm going to pay my bills.  It sucks the energy and happiness right out of you to stress about everything that you have no control over.   I keep learning that lesson.  It's better to just wait and see what happens and then stress over what you can actually do something about.  The rest is just going to have to take care of itself somehow.
    The New Year is upon us and I don't know if I'm going to have a resolution or not.  Nobody ever keeps them like a bunch of lies to ourselves that we know ahead of time is never going to happen. But I do wonder if I should have a new set of goals going on.  I really need to get myself a better paying job.  I also need to get out of debt and get my credit back in order so I can save to buy my own place.
     It may take awhile. I may have to work two jobs somehow. I may not get much sleep and probably will be grumpy about it but in the end it will be so much better for me.  New goals would be nice since I haven't updated them in awhile and the last ones will still be on the list but hopefully will get crossed off this year.
      I am so grateful for everything I have and think that no matter what happens in court I am still ok with a whole life still ahead of me that I can make wonderful with or without someone else in it.  I don't know what I am supposed to be taught by all this but I do know that as the years pass by it should be easier and easier. 
      There have been several set backs this week, but otherwise I am still feeling happier each day.  The days that I do have a set back and blow up about something don't hang on forever anymore, and I find that once I have slept on the problems they suddenly don't seem so bad anymore.  They are still there of course.  I still can't pay my utilities and don't know what I'm gonna do for groceries, but suddenly doesn't seem like something I should worry about.  After all,  there is not a thing I can do about it.
      What I can do is play with my daughter and make memories that will live in her mind and heart forever.  I can bake cookies, and clean my house and laugh, and dance and sing out of key.  I can relax and watch tv with my daughter snuggled up tight.  I don't have to spend my day, stressed and sad and angry and sick.  That is my choice.  I choose to live it happy....

 

Wednesday December 25, 2013....

   Well here it is Christmas day, come and gone.  The kids seemed to be ok even though we had barely any presents under our tree.  They of course were being nice for me. I am having a happy day by sure force of will.  I can think of a million things that would have made it a better day for them and everything needs money so never mind.
      Still very grateful I got to have my daughter for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning but I really wish I had gotten stuff to make a nice Christmas breakfast for them.   I never do anything right but I guess it gives me the chance to make it better next year.
     I have been praying for a month now for a Christmas miracle.  For someone to show up and leave me some money to either pay my bills and get food or to help with Christmas for the kids.  Nothing of course but I found out today that my Aunt who is really broke and wasn't able to get her kids anything, got a box of oranges with 200 dollars from a man she doesn't even know, and another friend got a pair of needed boots outside her door and has no idea who gave those.   So, I guess although my prayers weren't answered for me, God knew what he was doing and helped those who needed it more than me.   So kudos for God, knowing who to help.
     I hope that this year I can find a second job so I can get out of debt and find myself a life.  Then next year maybe I can help someone who needs it.  Maybe I can be an elf.
    

Tuesday December 24, 2013...

   Christmas Eve.   My daughter is coughing and running a fever but is currently sleeping soundly.  Hopefully feeling better tomorrow. I am having a completely wonderful day (since I got off work and collected my children)
     We don't have much this year for Christmas and I hope she doesn't ask the dreaded why didn't Santa get you a present Mommy? , question.  I always just say that I guess I wasn't very good.  I have already opened my present from her and I am always so grateful for the presents my kids make me.  She gave me a wreathe and an ornament with her picture on it.  I love them both.
    I am currently watching A Christmas Story which just always cracks you up.  That lamp is classic and I wish I had one to put in my front window for Christmas. 
    I was not a very nice girl at work but I have since changed my attitude and am hoping to have a lovely day tomorrow and get back to work with a good attitude and get some good scores on my calls. 
    According to Norad, Santa is in Michigan.  He's working his way here and hopefully she'll like the things she gets. I know.. it's not about what you get but to an 8 yr old child it's the best thing in the world and I just hope that she enjoys the big day.
     I will enjoy watching them open their presents and enjoy their new things.   I will be happy that it is over and I can just concentrate on getting bills paid.  The New Year is upon us and I hope that it is indeed a New Year and not the same old disappointment.  I know, it is what we make it.  Well I say let's make it great.

Monday December 23, 2013....

    The eve of the big Eve.   Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am having to trudge off to work.  Wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to take Jazmin to my moms but yes I have to do that so we have to go early.  I'll need to get to bed soon.
     I am thankful to have a job though so hopefully the day won't be a complete joke.  Today wasn't too bad but the morning seemed to trudge on forever. I hope it's slow so I can read between calls now and then, it helps to make the time go faster.
      My daughter is so excited for Santa to visit.  I have told her not to get her hopes up to high because I am broke but it's so sweet that she still believes.  I hope she believes for awhile.
      I am excited to have the day off paid and right in the middle of the week too. Grateful to be able to provide even a small Christmas for my kids because after all something is better than nothing and I have something for all of them.  Grateful to have the day off to spend with them.  One of them is with his Dad in Oregon and the other will still be home with me when my daughter goes with her Dad.
      I am grateful to have some time to reflect on the year and all the things I can be thankful for including that my car is still running and hasn't yet broken down on me. 
       I am planning to relax and enjoy Christmas Eve and Christmas day with as little stress as possible.  It will make me very happy to have more relaxing going on.  Hope everyone else has a Happy Holiday no matter what you celebrate.

Thursday December 19, 2013...

     Awoke to sheets of ice on everything.  Then the snow started.   I called it a snow day.  I called in all of us and didn't leave til my son needed to be to work at 12.
     I need the money but it's not worth our lives.   I know its winter and I should just be used to it but come on, our lives should be more important.  Would it really kill the city to just shut down for a day and stay home.
      We had a good time.  I laughed a lot today.  I shoveled so many times my arms ache. I played in the snow with my daughter and we laughed and laughed. Such memories were made.   Made it all worthwhile.
     Tomorrow I will need to creep the kids up to my moms because Tayson wants to go to his friends and Jazmin has her Christmas program.  She doesn't want to miss because they draw to see who wins the bike tomorrow and she is so hopeful that sometime it will be her.  I hope it is.
     I am thankful that my day was so peaceful even though I missed the pay we are safe and alive. We have made some new memories and had a wonderfully relaxing day together.   awww Winter

Wednesday December 18, 2013....

     Grateful it is almost time to sleep but not grateful for the storm that is upon us.  I am not ready to make the death wish trip to work tomorrow. I hate how long it takes with every muscle tensed and knuckles white on the steering wheel, barely breathing.
      I'm grateful that it is Thursday tomorrow and we are that much closer to another weekend. I am grateful that it is almost Christmas and then we can be done with this wretched holiday for one more year.   I say it every year but next year I am definitely going to be ready because this year is sucking.
      I'm grateful for heat and the electricity, and job I don't want to die getting to in the morning.  I'm grateful that I so far have been able to feed my kids even though I can't provide much else for them.  I am to change that and change that I shall.
      Today I have spent the day smiling and trying to be as positive as possible at work. The day still went very slow.  I have high hopes that tomorrow being a Thursday will go faster than today did.
     Guess I should head off to bed to get some sleep so I can leave an hour early tomorrow to creep through the ice and snow.  God knows they don't care if we make it alive.  Perhaps I should move to Texas, if I lived there they would let me stay home if it snowed a skiff of snow across the road.  Oh well we are not in Texas, we are in Utah.  Where I should just get over the snow already and move on with a smile on my face.  (that would be easier with warm sunshine on my face.)

Tuesday December 17, 2013....

     Tis the season...  wish it felt like it.  I am usually all into the Christmas Carols and cookie making.  Shopping and wrapping.  Maybe that's it, no shopping or wrapping going on. I have no money.  Short of  a Christmas Miracle I'm not going to have any money anytime soon.  My kids will soon see a very sparse Christmas. But Grinch says its maybe not found in a store so I suppose we can make the most of it.
      I am thankful we are here and mostly healthy for the holidays and that the bills are mostly paid.  I am thankful for my job that gives me a paycheck no matter how small it is.  I am thankful for the coworkers that make it ok to be there.  I would rather work at home though.  Wish I could ask Santa for that... a job working from home getting paid lots of money.  ha ha Yes!
     I keep feeling like there is something I should be doing but then I get on here and I don't know what it is.  I wish I could figure it out because I sure need something more.  I would love to write a book.  I would love to sell my crafts online.  Either way if it was successful I would be happy with it.  I don't know what to write though. 
     I was wishing today that Winter was almost over.   It's so cold and gray and inverted and miserable.  I am eternally grateful that it hasn't snowed too bad, and that the storm we had a couple weeks ago left enough to make it winter, but I am done with it.  I know.  A lot of people like it to be wintry white for Christmas which I don't get. It has nothing to do with Jesus.  I guess it must be the Santa part.  I could live without seeing snow again.  Wouldn't bother me at all.
    

Sunday December 15, 2013...

     It has been a weekend of laughter, happiness, and peace.   A friend looked at my washer and then we went out doing some Christmas shopping. It was a fun and relaxing way to wind down a Friday. Saturday was just as relaxing, did some laundry at my moms house and then went to Zoo lights with my daughter.   We loved it and had a great time.  It was very cold but so worth it.  I am always grateful to be able to do things with my daughter.
      She got to see Santa and get pictures with him.   We got hot cocoa and then we got home and played games and read our book.  It was a delightful day filled with laughter from her and me.
     Today I have been just as grateful to be with my kids in our last few days at the home we have known all these years.   Who knows when the divorce will be done and we will be moving on to other things.
     I am grateful to the mellow weather thus far and hope that we can have long periods in between each and every storm we get.   I am so not wanting to break down in the middle of the winter with my kids.   Not fun! 
     I am thankful that we are here together and healthy for the most part.   I am ignoring my thyroid at the moment ha ha  I am thankful that even though our Christmas is going to be small, we still have each other and a warm roof over our heads.   I am thankful we have some place to lay our heads and we don't have to sleep in a shelter with a million strangers.   I am thankful I can still show my kids some kind of life even though it be small.
     I am thankful for the opportunities I know I will find if I just open my eyes to them.  I am thankful for my family and friends, for my job and the paycheck that comes with it.   I am thankful for co workers I have met and what they have done to enrich my life and make it happier.  I am thankful for  the time God has given me to be here learning and growing, and I am especially Thankful for him letting me be a mother.   I love my kids more than my own life.   They are my everything.

Wednesday December 11, 2013....

    Hump day, been and gone.  Wasn't so bad.  Extremely busy all day as usual. It was a beautiful day with some blue sky and a little sunshine.  Typical smoggy winter day in Utah.  No snow, which is perfect for me.
     I have a friend coming to help me with my washer situation, (it broke) and so I am hoping for the best with it. I am thankful I still have a dryer and I can wash something in the sink in a pinch.  Otherwise it will be off to the Laundromat or a friends house.  Not the end of the world.
     The holidays are upon us and I have basically been a scrooge because I don't have any  money for presents, but maybe that will just make next year all that much better.  I have been trying to think of things I can do with or for my kids instead of presents.  Maybe that will at least make it memorable.
      I am grateful for my friends and family.  For their love and support in my everyday.  I am grateful for all my blessings however small.  I am grateful for my car getting me to work and home again, even with all it's problems.  I'm grateful for my job and pay check it creates, no matter how small it be.  I am grateful that I have people in my life that make me laugh.
     I am grateful for my co workers, they are what get me through each and every day.  I am grateful for all the things I learn there.  I am grateful for the customers, without I wouldn't have a pay check but I am not grateful for the way they treat us on the phone.
     My journey to become happy has come at the perfect time in my life, I think.  I am old enough to know I want to work most things out on my own, and ask for help when I need it.  I am not too old to still enjoy my life and new found happiness.   I know what I want and am just trying to find the means to getting it.  What I want is Happiness, and Peace.  That's all.  I'm coming for it and getting closer each and every day.   
     Today I asked my ex for some help looking at the washer.  Hours went by and he never answered and when he did text to say he was coming over to pick up our daughter he didn't mention it.  I assumed, by mistake that he wasn't wanting to help me.  That's fine.  So I start asking friends, find someone to come look at it and then text him back to let him know so that he doesn't have to worry about it.  When he drops her off, he starts coming in to look at it.  I tell him that I am having someone else look at it and ask if he got my text, he gets all upset and leaves. I text him again and tell him I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.  He texts me telling me that I am mad and treating him like shit.  hmmmm I tell him I am not sure what he means but that I have not been mad at him for some time and that in fact I am not mad at all and wasn't mad then, but that I find it amusing he still thinks he has a clue as to what mood I am in or what Im thinking or doing. There were a couple more texts but all in all when it was over, I thought about it and re read the texts, but the more I recognized the behavior the happier I became.  It is not me that's miserable anymore.  I get up , grudgingly because it's so early, but with a smile on my face, I may have moments of regress throughout the day but for the most part I fall asleep with a smile on my face as well.
    After todays exchange I feel even more happy because I can actually feel the progress I have made.   I still have my moments , I'm not a completely changed person yet and I think its going to take a long time to get there, but I can feel the change.  I can feel there is less stress when you just let it all go.  It feels good.  It feels good to feel happy. 

Tuesday December 10, 2013....

    My car is worse everyday,  I don't know where to get money to get it fixed, and my washer broke today too.  Froze, and hopefully just a pipe broke but I am broke.  I will admit I hid away and had a crying fest.  Then I got up and wiped away the tears, (they were not producing any cash) and decided it was much easier to just smile.  That's right you heard me.  I can't do anything about it so instead of stress, I'm going to smile.  :)
     I am thankful that even if I can't wash my clothes right now, atleast I can still dry something, and I still have heat and electricity and a roof over my head.  I am thankful that the holidays will be here soon and hoping next year I can make them far merrier than this year.
    I am thankful I will be going to bed with a full belly and everything else I truly need. I am thankful for my family and for their endless patience with me.  I am thankful for everything I do have and everything I will have some day.
     I am thankful that time heals wounds and that even when I am down I can still smile.  I get closer every day to finding my true passion and putting it to use. I am driven I just don't know what I should be driven about but I need to be doing better in this life.   I am thankful for life.  I am thankful for Jesus and for everything he does to get me through each day.  I am going to head to bed now.  No clean clothes but a smile on my face.

Monday December 9, 2013....

   Just a little note today, I am smiling and thankful the snow has stopped.  It is cold still though.  I am thankful my car is still running and getting me safely home. 
    I am thankful for all the usual things and also for the ability to have a sick day and just sleep through it.  I am thankful that I am not feeling worse although being stuffy isn't any fun either.  I am thankful for the laughter my daughter creates and the way she always follows me around being my buddy.
     I am thankful that we can heal, and that time numbs the pain and makes everything seem less meaningful.  Only the memories come with us.  Only the people matter. We'll all be ok in the end. I am thankful I have the love of my family some people don't even have that.
   

Still Sunday December 8, 2013....

     I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact it's December already.  I still feel as though we were just hanging up the coats from last winter and here we are starting another winter.   I enjoy, oddly enough, the different seasons and taking care of the yard during each one.  In the Spring I'm grateful to watch the new flowers poke up, sometimes through a patch of snow.
     In the Summer I am grateful to mow the lawn and smell the fresh cut grass, I am grateful to plant a garden and watch it grow vegetables to feed my family. I am grateful to plant flower beds and care for them watching them grow and thrive in color and size.   I am thankful for the warm sun and the blue sky.
     In the Fall I am thankful for the brilliant colors on the trees and in the mountains.  I am thankful for the leaves falling as the temperatures drop and the rains begin.  Falling to the ground crunchy and smelling wonderful.  I love the crunch as you stomp through them and the smell of Fall and Halloween.
     In the Winter I am grateful for many things that don't have to do with the weather.  I don't appreciate the bitter cold, the wet icy snow, the chill winds and bitter long nights.   I am grateful for the splendid beauty of it all as it glistens in the moonlight.  I am grateful for it cleaning out the air and bringing the sun out briefly to warm my face.
     I don't know where the year went.  I don't know what I have done to make it worthwhile if anything, and I have decided in this quest to be happy I should probably be moving forward, so I also want to add a goal to the New Year of happiness.   I don't know what the goal will be yet but I want to accomplish something next year.

Sunday December 8, 2013....

    Well it is morning and the snow has not stopped.  I know everyone just thinks eh, it's Utah isn't it always snowing?  The answer is NO it is not always snowing and YES it's as dangerous here as it is every where else although in all other states everyone makes a big deal of it when there is a few inches on the ground, yet we can have 3 feet and it's business as usual.  I am thankful for the new day but not for the snow, cold and ice it has brought with it.  I want to ask Santa for Summer back.
      My graves disease is acting up today and I am trying to ignore it as I am not wanting to spend my day huddled up in the bathroom.  I am thankful we have medicine that slightly helps the symptoms so I am not always sick.  I am thankful that they found out what was wrong with me and fixed it somewhat so that atleast, I am not going to die from it.  Just be eternally sick.
      I am thankful I can sit at the window and drink my coffee and watch the mayhem outside without actually having to be out in it.  I really dislike winter, it makes me so sad.
     I am thankful we have food to eat for a few days and that today there is no work.  I am thankful I have a job to go to tomorrow and hope that it isn't as busy as it has been.  I am thankful I get to see my daughter tonight and I am thankful she is with me most of the time.  I am thankful she is older and not a toddler anymore because she stands a better chance of surviving her Dad.
     I am thankful that each day gives me more relief from the pain he caused me and that I have my new goals of becoming more and more happy.  I am thankful I can go through the day smiling and looking forward to what tomorrow will bring rather than sitting around crying and having a pity fest. I am thankful I have laughter in my life and that no matter what others put out into the world my God knows the truth of my heart.

Saturday December 7th, 2013...

    Have done nothing but laundry today.  Made taco soup which I am always grateful for.  It's snowing now.  Soft and white from the endless gray sky. It doesn't seem to be coming down hard, just floating listlessly from the sky.  The wind is picking up though which sends it in intervals of spinning swirls.  It looks cold and I don't want to go out in it again to get my son, but will be venturing out in a couple hours.
     Still have no idea what to do about Christmas. No idea how to afford presents even though my kids so deserve to have a good Christmas.   I am grateful we have a place to live that is warm and dry.  I am grateful to have a job to pay the bills.  I wish I could find what I am good at, or passionate about and make money from it.  I love to write and never know what to write about.
      I am grateful for all my family and friends and my children that are an endless joy.  I am grateful I am smiling more and less stressed than I have been.  It's a lot easier to put it in Gods hands and let go.  Saves all kinds of time for appreciating the things around you.
       Christmas will work itself out, it always does.  Tomorrow will come, I hope it's less snowy, and we will have a new chance to make the right choices that will lead to a happy future.

Thursday December 5, 2013...

     I am thankful today for the happy effects of prayer.  I am thankful for making it to and from my destinations, and I am thankful that I had food to feed my kids.
     I am thankful that I have a good job and a paycheck and even though the bills keep mounting I am thankful to be able to live each day in this life.  I am starting to see an end to all the pain and I am greatly relieved.
  

Wednesday December 4, 2013....

    Well today felt like it ran as long as yesterday dragged on.  Why can't every day go as fast as Monday went. Oh well, we are trudging through it, one day at a time.   I am thankful for heat.  It is 0 degrees right now.  Nice right.  I am thankful my car is still running and I am grateful for my job.  I am thankful that I don't have to sleep out in this cold.
     I am always thankful for my kids and family. I don't know what I would do without them. I am thankful it stopped snowing and even though I know there will be another storm and another .... ugh.... I will be thankful when each and everyone ends.   Praying for an early spring.
     I have tried to start my day with a prayer, don't know if it's working but some days I think, I don't have to worry about a thing, God's got this.  I tell ya it's really a load off for a while.  I need to work a little harder on my road rage, especially with the weather being bad. I am not perfect I know it, God knows it, yet he loves me anyway.  I'm so blessed.
     

Tuesday December 3, 2013....

    Today I am not thankful for the storm, but I am thankful 100 times over that I made it through the day and got home safe and sound with my kids and me and my car all in one piece. I am thankful that I was able to pay the gas bill because it is cold, and I am thankful that I have a warm bed to sleep in.
     I was not very polite in traffic today, as far as calling people idiots, all deserved of course, but still I should be taking that deep breath instead. I just don't understand why it is that some people think 5 miles is ok while others think 50 is sufficient.   I think 35 was ok but was going 40 at some points during the day.  My commute home was a joke and I got home way to late.  I am tired, cold and cranky and I hope that it doesn't continue through the night.
     I am thankful we are safe and fed, I am thankful we are home and have a few more hours before we have to risk our lives again.  I am thankful for all the little things we take for granted, the laughter of our children, the sound of a friends voice on a ruff day, the touch of a friends hand or a hug.  I am thankful for all I have seen so far, and all I can still have ahead.  I am thankful for the opportunities we all have that I just can't seem to find. I am thankful for being a parent, and having my children grow up by my side. I love them so and find their love to be the most wonderful thing in the world.
     I am thankful for my life with all it's trials.  I am thankful for who I am even if I don't really know who that is.  I put my trust in God and will let him decide what happens next.   Always trying to fight it isn't getting me anywhere. 

Sunday December 1, 2013.....

    Last day of the wonderful long weekend.   I didn't much of anything this weekend, playing with my kids, spending time with family, cooking, got bills paid.  My car just keeps getting more issues but is still running, we'll hope that it keeps running for a few more months atleast.   I don't know what else to do with it.
      I bought a couple more presents, nothing big just something little for Kaleb and a present for my son.  Wish I could figure out a way to earn a little bit more for Christmas presents, and to figure out my car.   Oh well deep breath and keep plugging along.
       Today I slept in but woke with a smile.   The sky was blue and the sun was out most of the morning.  Didn't do much of anything except laundry and dishes.
     I made some Christmas cards and got those ready to mail.  I did some grocery shopping although I really have no money for groceries. I think we will be ok until midweek when I will start getting nervous about groceries all over again.  I try not to stress anymore, it drains my happiness and makes me feel bad, but sometimes it all just presses down on you.
      Seems like everyday is a new problem, a new trial, or test.   I think so far I am managing them all ok.  I like to think that I am a pretty strong person, and with god by my side I think I should be able to conquer about anything.  I am just praying that I will find my path in life and that I will find the love of my life.  
      I am thankful for my kids and the joy they bring me, I am thankful we were able to have a Happy Holiday with enough food to feed everyone. I am thankful for my job and the pay check it provides.  I am thankful for being born in the place I was, so that I could know what it was like to be poor from the start.  I am thankful we had enough on my check to pay the bills and get some more food.  I am thankful to have a full tank of gas in my car.   I am thankful I was able to share in several Family events this weekend, I am thankful that my family and friends still love me and appreciate me even while I am broken.   I am thankful for heat and power, water and internet.   I am thankful I have all my friends and co workers helping me out with staying positive.   I am thankful for my hearing, speech, sight, touch, and taste.
      I am thankful for the million things God does for me each day that I don't even know about.  I am thankful for the people who I knew and loved before they passed on to another life. I am thankful for the ability to read and write, and I am thankful for the passion to do both.  I am thankful for the ability to do what I like to do in my free time and to reach for my goals and hopes and dreams at my leisure.
      I am thankful that I have chosen to find peace and happiness instead of focusing on the pain and betrayal.  I am thankful that slowly the peace is coming to heal my wounds and help make me strong for the road ahead.