Monday

March 28, 2016..


    Well my long weekend is crashing to and end.  This week is way to busy with Jazmin's school work and plays and what not.  I have to somehow get out of there this Friday and then just found out I also need to go there for a program on the 7th.  No worries I don't actually have to work or anything.
I hate the schools thinking parents just have all the time in the world!!  Her teacher this year is the worst too!!  One more year and then off to Jr. High.  Which is a little bit better.
     Easter was good.  We did not get to see Konner so really did I even need to bother???  If I hadn't he would have been here. We made an easter dinner and had the twin brother and his son over for dinner. He just broke up with his girlfriend for the millionth time so they came and hung out a bit.  It was relaxing knowing I didn't have to go to work again today.  It's been nice.
    I don't want to go tomorrow and it's snowing so bad today that people are just stupid.   It hasn't stuck to the roads just made everything dark and miserable.  People are still stupid and even at the end of the season can't figure out how to drive in it.
    I need to find a job that pays more. My loves son is still living in my basement which means my son is still sleeping on the couch.  I don't think it will ever be over. I don't want him here anymore and I'm so sick and tired of the constant noise downstairs. It's always loud and there are always people here. I'm sick of it!!!!  It makes me really not even want to be here.. not that anyone else cares how I feel about it.
    
   

Friday...

March 25, 2016....


   Home today for Good Friday! Not getting paid but don't have to work at least. Me and J dyed the Easter eggs and they are ready for the bunny to hide. Im glad to have that part of Easter over and done with as well.
   Now I can plan my Easter dinner and the rest of my shopping and get that done tomorrow. One more holiday down.  This is our second spring here. Last spring we had one lonely tulip and at least this year we have had so far 3 blue/purple Hyacinths. They are beautiful!  I bought some more to plant but it was cold and I waited so they may not be blooming outside this year but next year they will be there.
    I hope we get to see Konner for Easter but we probably won't.  We haven't seen him since like January or something. His ex doesn't really  let him know when she has Konner and the few times she had she also wanted him to talk to her.  Apparently she wants to get back together with him. She can't have him though, he's mine now and I won't let him go.  She had her chance, two of them actually and she blew it both times.   He's learned his lesson.  Besides he loves me now and nothing will ever change that.
    We have already been through a lot together in the short time we have been together and we have come through it fine. My love is the rock of my life and I know the future has nothing that can tear us down as long as we believe in each other.  
   I'm excited about the future and hope that we all start having some good fortune. We sure deserve some.
   

Thursday..

March 24, 2016....


  Well today has been pretty good so far. I only had to work half a day and I wasn't on the phone for an hour of that time. I got fed donuts for breakfast and hotdogs and chips for lunch. My mother took me and the girl to lunch and now I am home waiting for the time to leave for Clearfield.  It's the nephews birthday today.
    I have a four day weekend and it's Easter this weekend so I am having a really good day.  I need to dye eggs with J. tomorrow before she leaves for her donors house. She is coming home early because she didn't want to stay at his house for Easter day she wants to be home. I don't blame her.
   Now if we can just reduce the number of people living here. I am fairly certain that the oldest isn't moving out any time soon regardless of what I keep being told. As with the others he isn't gonna want to go live somewhere else when he can live here and do whatever he wants to my house and in my house. It's now just a party house and doesn't matter what I say about it. I can move or ignore it I guess those are the options I can see.
    I'm hoping that it is soon though and I can get things back to normal.  Maybe then I won't be so sick all the time. Not as much stress going on when he isn't living here making my home the party house.   He has more people over than I do and I own the place!  It's ridiculous!!!
    Things have been going ok for us so I am hoping that we are through the rough patches although there are always more. It's what makes us tough and helps us grow. I wish that my kids would just let go a little and find some joy in the world around them instead of always being so angry and miserable.  I know that T is trying but it seems like K can be miserable no matter what the circumstances are.  He hates everything and everyone, has no friends that he goes and hangs with although he does go out now and then its few and far between.  Pretty much reminds me of my older brother. Fun. Need to find them help.
     Heading out for the nephews birthday party. Traffic will probably be the death of me.  I despise it already and I'm still in my house. I can hear it out there. I know what to expect I live here in traffic land.  Between the soccer games, home & car shows, Clubs, and bars, we are getting used to all the traffic but I really don't like it.  Here goes nothing....
   

Wednesday..

March 23, 2016...


    Home from work and I must say I don't know if I don't like my new job because I'm busy all day or if I do like my new job because I'm busy all day.  The time goes faster for the most part and I'm not staring at the clock all day.  I don't like calling people though and at least it's business and not personal customers.
    Not feeling good today.  Stomach is killing me and it seems to be getting worse as the moments roll along. At least I'm off work and tomorrow I'm off early so things  should be good, I'll try not to think about the pain.
    Since I'm working on the AMEX Canada team right now we get the Canadian holidays off and so we have a long weekend this weekend. It's not paid but I almost just don't even care. It's on different pay periods so at least it's not 2 days off the same check.  I love being off work.  I liked being home a lot more when I didn't have the verbally abusive child living in my basement. Things were so quiet and drama free then.  I miss it so.  I cannot wait until he finally gets out although I don't know if that is ever going to happen now. I think they will all be living in the basement forever.  Boy 4 is young still and to give him credit has already moved out twice. He just needs more time I think. He is now working and seems to like the job although he's only working weekends at the moment.   Boy 2 is still working at the grocery store and loves it although he isn't getting full time hours either. I don't think I would be irritated about it if they worked full time but they don't and they don't seem to care that they have no life.  Ahhhh kids today!!!
    Other than that I suppose life is good everything is good with my love and me I love him more and more every day and spend a lot of time just sitting around thinking about how much I love him.. ha ha I'm pathetic I know!!
   

Monday...

  I'm so glad we can almost put Monday behind us.  I had a short day today and spent all my time running errands with the kids. Expensive errands.  Oh well money comes and goes or in my case mostly just goes.  I just got paid and it is gone.  Still another week til I get paid again. I really need a better paying job.   Other ideas include a second job part time or finding some way of making money from home in the evenings.
   Just glad it's almost over. The weather has me under the weather.  Today started out beautiful and has progressively gotten colder and darker and we are supposed to be getting snow sometime soon, tonight or tomorrow.  It wont stay long but the thought of my new baby flowers freezing isn't making me to happy.
   Dinner is started and I really should go make sure nothing is burning.  It's probably close to getting there although to be fair I am not smelling the bacon yet so I think it's good. I really am in a rut with cooking. Not that I don't like it but I just never feel like it right now.  I'm hoping as the weather warms I'll get back into the groove.

Sunday..

March 20, 2016...


   Although today wasn't how I had planned it I guess it turned out ok. I got my laundry done and my kitchen is clean. I wasn't sick today except for the stress factor for a bit when the oldest said his brother and girlfriend spent the night but he couldn't find them. We found them in the girls room just sleeping in her bad as though they own the place. What is wrong with people?!  I would be quite pissed if I came home and they were asleep in my bed but she wasn't happy about it either. I was shaky for a bit because of how the oldest was acting and a few things he said but after calming down in my room for a while I decided that my love is right, it is my house he has no control over me or anything else that takes place here in our home so I don't need to get upset.
    I can't help it but he does usually calm me down quite beautifully. Day nine not being sick with my thyroid though and for that I am grateful.  I really like making through the day without puking and having to spend all my time in bed.
    The weather was beautiful for the first day of spring and we couldn't ask for anything more. We do live in Utah though so tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and 72 and Tuesday is supposed to be like 48 and snowing.  Ahhh Utah..... 

Saturday..

March 19, 2016...


   You could almost call today a day of service. First my love and I went and helped one of his exes family members out. She has been having a really bad series of events taking place in her life and we felt bad so we took her boxes and offered to help her when she's ready to move it.  That would be tomorrow. 
    Then I was off to my moms house to help her move some stuff because she has to clear her front room out so she can have some new carpet put down. Someone in her ward is giving it to her and having someone put it down so they need it clear.  We got a couple of the table and a bunch of boxes, vases ,knick knack and pictures moved into the other room and I will finish when she gets the rest packed up.
    My girl and I then went and got her and Easter dress and matching flip flops, a summer outfit, and Easter stuff plus dinner fixins. I really shouldn't shop daily like I do, I end up spending a ton more and it really isn't good.
   I'm ready for Easter with the little kids and have a little treat for the bigger kids too.  We will hide eggs and dye eggs and whatever. Maybe I'll even make a ham and what not.  Haven't really thought that far ahead although it would probably be a good idea since we have so many kids and they tend to show up to eat. I hope someone brings Konner because I got him some really cute stuff.
   I'll have a basket for Kade too but we never get to see him so his won't be as nice as Konners I don't know what size he wears to buy him clothes and don't even know if his mom would let him have it anyway. He'll at least get a basket. If Konner comes he can help find eggs and what not. Plus he will have a basket. I still have his Valentine as well.  Hope he gets to come soon.
   
   

Friday

March 18, 2016....


    Almost Easter. Jazmins favorite holiday and she won't be here for it. She goes with the donor that weekend. Perhaps he'll bring her early. The weather has been Utah crazy and we will probably have snow or something for Easter this year. Since I am working on the Amex Canada team right now at work I get the Canadian holidays off too, so we get Good Friday off as well as Monday which is there Easter I think... we celebrate it here on Sunday.  Four day weekend.  Sweet!
    Things here are doing ok at least one of the adults in the basement has moved and I'm hoping another will be going soon. I here is moving in with a friend but not sure when the blessed event will take place.   I'm hoping sooner rather than later.
    Work is work doing outbound Amex Canada right now but should be back to my boring job by the beginning of the month. I kind of miss it and think I should get pretty good calls when I get back because I know what I'm doing there. Still it has been a lesson learned and not too bad, it keeps you busy and they don't get MTO so you are there all day. Which has been nice as well. 
    Didn't miss any work all week.  It's been nice not being sick this week. I hope it continues into the future.  I have lost some weight and I'm hoping to lose some more so I hope the new dose still allows me to do that and not gain it all back again.  I got me a hula hoop and hope to start exercising again as it gets warmer. Hopefully I can keep a little energy with not being sick.  Here's hoping.
   

Monday..

March 14, 2016...


  Well today, for the first time in weeks I made it through the entire day without being sick.  I worked my whole shift and didn't need to MTO or leave on UPTO.  It was wonderful.  Well the part of not being sick was wonderful as far as work I don't mind leaving and leave whenever I get the chance.  
   I even had dinner done before 7 and we have already eaten even though the other boys haven't arrived home from work yet. They should be home soon I hope.  The other kids are home except for oldest girl living here and she's at work tonight.  I am glad that they are all working now.  Even if it isn't quite full time yet.   I'll will keep working them on it.  The little girl doesn't need to work for a few years to come so we'll give her a break.  Ha  Ha  
    It is extremely cold considering the weekend was so warm. I had to turn the heat up so I could get the dinner cooked without shivering.  It is supposed to snow in the mountains and higher valley floors. Hopefully that is not us because I don't want my brand new Hyacinths getting killed by frost when they just came out to greet me.
    Spring in Utah!! 

Sunday

March 13, 2016....


   My love is outside power washing the house.  It's a good thing, it is very dirty.  I wish we could afford some new siding in a different color but we cannot so I will keep dreaming.  The next expensive thing we are buying for the house is new windows.  If I get all the money owed me from the exes bankruptcy, I am getting me new windows. Then I can claim them on the house next year on my taxes.
   My flower bed is looking good and if I can just keep up with the weeds we should be good.  Once the spring flowers start dying off I will plant my wildflower seeds. That should choke out most of the weeds if they grow in the sandy dirt I have out there.
    Still trying to figure out what to do with our yard. We don't really have grass so much as we have weeds in a variety of greens. When you first mow you can trick yourself in thinking you have some lawn but it's just a trick, it's all weeds.   We need topsoil brought in and we need to just kill all this weed off somehow.
   Enough about my yard although spring brings it out in me. We are all alive and well and not really looking forward to a new week but hopeful I can make it through with full hours and not being sick all day.  Hope it's a wonderful thing..
  

Saturday

March 12 , 2016


  Today has been wonderful.  My love and I went to breakfast then visited with his family. I have seen my son off to work the older girl off to work Boy 1 of mine is at work and going to a party later then staying at a friends. The other one is in the basement talking to friends.
  KIKI our new cat loves his toy we bought him and although Saturday is coming to a close It's been a really good day. I'm hoping to go to dinner with my love to celebrate his birthday but he's sleeping and I'm not sure where he wants to go.  I'll have to wait and see.
  Our Hyacinths are blooming.  They are beautiful.  Can't wait until the tulips start to bloom. I haven't seen any Crocuses yet but I'll plant more this fall to ensure we have some by next year. I can't wait to plant some lilies. Perhaps in the corner amongst the rocks. .. we shall see.

Friday!!

March 11, 2016..


   Had to leave work again. Migraine I think,  It hit pretty hard and I was needing to throw up within minutes of leaving work.  I made it to my moms where I also took a little nap while waiting for the girl to come home from school.
   I'm feeling slightly better and I got my meds today so things hopefully will start getting better. I'm tired of being sick.  I'm tired of shaking uncontrollably every time I experience any stress or chaos.  It's ridiculous.  Hoping for better things with the meds back in my system.
   It's my weekend without the girl and all I ever plan or do is sit in my room.  Alone doing nothing.  We don't really like going out and everything is so expensive.  I have enjoyed the last couple times we went out though.  Olive Garden and we went to Dry Creek Steakhouse for the first time it was delicious.
    Seems like lately my love is always getting side tracked with his kids or whatever and we end up fighting or not spending any time together.  Either way I hate it.  Maybe once spring is here things will start looking up.  The boy starts his job tonight I think, I hope.  I thought he started on Wednesday but ended up only having to go over and get his uniform and the tour and meet the people he's going to be working with.
    The other one of mine is at work as well as my love and his boy.  The girl just left to visit her Donor, so it's suddenly very quiet. I'm freezing so I'm considering taking a shower, or starting laundry, I haven't really decided yet. Maybe I'll just watch t.v.  Hmmmm.....
     No children to take care of.. plenty of chores to do but no energy to do them... that hot shower is sounding more and more delightful..

Thursday...

  March 10, 2016...


   It's my loves birthday today!!  I am making him dinner and bought him a cake and ice cream, then of course we have a present for him too.  Too bad it isn't the weekend we could have done something else as well.  Oh well he's a pretty simple guy so I'm sure this will be fine.
    Kids are all still grown and living in my basement, still nobody else wants any of them. I'm still sick and the kids girlfriend is moving out so now we are stuck with him forever and he's the one that makes me stressed out and sick.  Oh well waiting to die ....
    She also wants to leave her cat here. It's a cute cat but I don't want it.  I've been waiting for it to be gone because they were supposed to be moving out in two weeks.  Ugh... sick of all of it...

Wednesday..

March 9 2016..


  My loves birthday is tomorrow.  I have his present but that is it.  I hate when Birthdays land on weekdays and you have to work.. I will probably make his cake on Saturday and celebrate then. But he will have his present for his birthday at least.
  Still no medication, no big deal it's just my life.  I can't stop shaking and my heart has felt like it's beating in my throat all day.  I can't catch my breath... oh well.  The loser insurance company sent a replacement order and it will be here in about 7 days.  Great....
   I'm about pissed with everything right now so I guess I'll just chill.

Tuesday..

  March 8, 2016..




    It's my loves birthday in two days. I know what to get him but have no idea what to do for his birthday.  I'll think we will celebrate on the weekend when we aren't bothered with work. I will make him a cake and get him ice cream but it doesn't compare with what he did for me for my birthday.  I need to think of something fabulous!
    Hate today. Feeling sick again.  I'm sick of being sick.  I want to not be sick.  I wish I could erase the last relationship except for my lovely daughter. I used to not be broken.  I used to be whole and mellow and sane. Now I'm a raving lunatic.
    The house is stressful as ever. Don't think it will end in my lifetime, of course I pray for death frequently.  Never fear though God doesn't want me either so I'm stuck here waiting to see his plan. I don't like waiting I'm not a patient person.  The year is flying right by and I can't believe we are already into March.  Wow!  School will be out before we know it and the girl can be away from her horrid teacher. Yay!!
  Work is work what can I say.  Taking on a new call type and still trying to get used to it. Calling outbound isn't easy for me but a challenge isn't a bad thing either. My life.  I feel I live in a giant soap opera lately, only I'm just in the audience watching with no control over the drama or outcome.

Sunday...

March 6, 2016....


   Having a lovely weekend until this afternoon. We came home from a perfectly lovely day at the aquarium, as I'm in my kitchen washing my pans and contemplating what I will make for dinner this evening, and first there is stepson 2 coming in like he owns the place. Then loud talking from the front room, my love trying to diffuse the situation, him flying back outside and his girlfriend screaming and swearing in my driveway.  Bet my neighbors love that. All the F*&? being screamed in my driveway and yard all the time lately.  Not too mention the noise I get to compete with because "Is it too loud?"  apparently it's only too loud when my boy 2 is living there. Any way people non stop visiting. Cars everywhere all the time.
     I feel like I'm waiting to die due to the anxiety and stress levels in my body that cause the shaking and the chest pains as soon as the stress hits. But I'm fine. My Dr. doesn't really know what to do with me as far as my thyroid so we are going to just take 1/2 of one of the pills and hopes that works it all out. Ok. Get rid of the stress you say?  Ok.  Are you putting me down? No?!!  Well I don't know what to do.  I live in a party house where my health means nothing to anyone. Waiting to die.
    I realize it's my body that is malfunctioning. I am the broken one after all. If the blood is ok it must all be in my head. Only my body doesn't agree and just refuses to work properly.  I remember back before all this happened.   I did not shake at someone's raised voice. I did not get chest pains over someone else's stress. I am just broken.  But then I don't feel it's my fault either since I did not get this disease on purpose. It all was told so easily, "We will kill your thyroid and you will take a pill for the rest of your life. Nothing will change."  HA!!
    My stomach still hurts whenever it pleases. I wake up through the night and have no idea why.  I am always tired. My body aches and twitches. My brain is always foggy, I forget things all the time and have to walk around trying to remember what I'm doing. Then the stress hits and the shaking starts. I assume from an elevated heart rate. I try to breathe deep and slow and regulate it but then I end up feeling like I can't breathe at all.  Today my love told me to just stop shaking.  If only I knew how to do that. If only I knew how to just stop shaking since it doesn't matter why it happens in the first place and clearly doesn't matter to anyone but me any way. Once the chest pains start I usually just head to my bedroom to wait out the day and try to avoid the noise and stress.
  It doesn't matter anyway, after all I'm just waiting to die anyway.   My medication is however in the mail but doesn't say how long it will take to ship to me.  I've only been out for two days so I guess whenever is cool.  It's all in my head anyway.  Wish someone would let my brain in on that info because apparently it hasn't caught up with the blood.  

Saturday..

 March 5, 2016...


   Beautiful day so far. My love is home and so I am feeling better. He always makes me feel better . I woke to a coffee from Starbucks and have tried to be productive so far. Raked my yard. Doing laundry about to take the girl to the park to play. Need to go shopping for dinner. Feel like meatloaf maybe....
   Boy 2 got a job .Thank goodness he won't be sitting around all day playing video games. Praise be. Now if him and his brother would just save up and get their own place. That would be great!  I am happy for him though and hope he meets some new people and atleast get some experience.
   Now if we can just get the rest of them out and on their own maybe we can get some peace. My love does lessen the stress for me and for that I appreciate. I am feeling much better today... Still no word on my medication so I'll have to just pay 30 dollars for it or whatever. I have to have it. 
   My love has a birthday in a few days and I haven't decided what to do yet. Last year we had a big bbq. Maybe something quieter this year. We shall see. I want to get him some tools he deserves tools. Maybe some goodies and a nice cake... we shall see.
   What a beautiful day.  I'm so looking forward to spring. I have more bulbs coming up and they should start blooming soon. I'm pretty excited. It's looking good so far.

Wednesday..

March 2, 2016...


   What a beautiful March day. The sun was shining it was warm. The sky was blue and their wasn't a cloud in the sky.  Just the haze. I came home from work and relaxed, got laundry done, made dinner. It was very relaxing and productive at the same time.
   Training went ok. I don't think I'll really get it until I have been watching for a bit. Plus I learn better when I'm actually doing it. Even driving, I can learn addresses better if I am the one actually doing the driving to them. Hands on, I guess.
     Tomorrow is Thursday and I have Friday off. I'm pretty excited about it. Get the boys to the DMV to get their drivers licenses, perhaps. Not really sure yet but I would also like to do some spring cleaning and rid myself of more stuff. I can't even find a lot of my holiday decorations and I think it's because they are all outside.
    Four adults still living in the basement and if anyone wants them, they are free!!  Just let me know. I have another going off to college next fall and then only one to go.  One. So strange how fast time goes. When you are 20 you think that 40's are so far away. I wish.  I fear getting old. I don't want to be sitting around in a body that doesn't work with the mindset of a young person. How claustrophobic.  hmmm I'm sure I'll go of a heart attack long before I have to worry about that.

Tuesday..

 March 1, 2016....


   Where to start, where to start. A new month, haven't written in a bit and things keep getting so chaotic I am not sure what last was going on but today I was in training at work for the outbound specialty team. Didn't have access to the internet and couldn't find most of my screens so it was a real good time. I'm hoping as I get trained and actually take a couple calls I will find it not so bad and a good distraction.   Maybe she's onto something and I just haven't caught up yet.  We shall see.
    The weather has been beautiful. 62 degrees today and a little rain sprinkles. My bulbs are coming up nicely and I have almost all the weeds out of there.  I really cannot wait until they start blooming. It will be more color than last year regardless, but I hope more are still coming up because so far I am seeing only about 9 - 12 bulbs blooming and we planted quite a few. It's early though there is still time for more to bloom.  My mums from last year are also coming back although they won't bloom until later in the summer.
    I may not have a lawn but hopefully this year we can finish planting the bushes and get the front flowerbeds done.  Plus fill the holes out front with more gravel. I do so love having a house when it is drama free and I can just enjoy it's peace and beauty.
    As some know my body just does strange things when under stress of almost any kind. Low heart rate, Graves disease, now days I just start shaking and having chest pains. Headaches. Stomach aches, kicks in all the emotional crap too, yay me!  I keep telling my kids so they try and give as less stress as possible but the other two living here don't care what they do or say. So the stress level just soars. My doctor has given me some anxiety meds to get through the month and says I need to rid myself of the stress. How does one do that?  Move to a remote Island and live alone? Stress doesn't come by me it comes to me full force. If I could somehow control it that would be great and I would already be doing that, but I can't. It sucks and because it sucks I always start crying as well.  An endless battle I tell you. An endless battle.... Hope it is another battle that I win.