Sunday...

March 6, 2016....


   Having a lovely weekend until this afternoon. We came home from a perfectly lovely day at the aquarium, as I'm in my kitchen washing my pans and contemplating what I will make for dinner this evening, and first there is stepson 2 coming in like he owns the place. Then loud talking from the front room, my love trying to diffuse the situation, him flying back outside and his girlfriend screaming and swearing in my driveway.  Bet my neighbors love that. All the F*&? being screamed in my driveway and yard all the time lately.  Not too mention the noise I get to compete with because "Is it too loud?"  apparently it's only too loud when my boy 2 is living there. Any way people non stop visiting. Cars everywhere all the time.
     I feel like I'm waiting to die due to the anxiety and stress levels in my body that cause the shaking and the chest pains as soon as the stress hits. But I'm fine. My Dr. doesn't really know what to do with me as far as my thyroid so we are going to just take 1/2 of one of the pills and hopes that works it all out. Ok. Get rid of the stress you say?  Ok.  Are you putting me down? No?!!  Well I don't know what to do.  I live in a party house where my health means nothing to anyone. Waiting to die.
    I realize it's my body that is malfunctioning. I am the broken one after all. If the blood is ok it must all be in my head. Only my body doesn't agree and just refuses to work properly.  I remember back before all this happened.   I did not shake at someone's raised voice. I did not get chest pains over someone else's stress. I am just broken.  But then I don't feel it's my fault either since I did not get this disease on purpose. It all was told so easily, "We will kill your thyroid and you will take a pill for the rest of your life. Nothing will change."  HA!!
    My stomach still hurts whenever it pleases. I wake up through the night and have no idea why.  I am always tired. My body aches and twitches. My brain is always foggy, I forget things all the time and have to walk around trying to remember what I'm doing. Then the stress hits and the shaking starts. I assume from an elevated heart rate. I try to breathe deep and slow and regulate it but then I end up feeling like I can't breathe at all.  Today my love told me to just stop shaking.  If only I knew how to do that. If only I knew how to just stop shaking since it doesn't matter why it happens in the first place and clearly doesn't matter to anyone but me any way. Once the chest pains start I usually just head to my bedroom to wait out the day and try to avoid the noise and stress.
  It doesn't matter anyway, after all I'm just waiting to die anyway.   My medication is however in the mail but doesn't say how long it will take to ship to me.  I've only been out for two days so I guess whenever is cool.  It's all in my head anyway.  Wish someone would let my brain in on that info because apparently it hasn't caught up with the blood.