Thursday..

June 30, 2016....


   I'm feeling really down today.  I'm low on funds and can't pay my bills. We are low on food as well. I just started my vacation today and was quite excited but then my love called to tell me that they are done but he doesn't feel like driving back today.
    So I of course am feeling like I am completely unimportant to him. Not to mention that he's staying at his ex in laws house and so I am self conscious about that as well.  I am trying to not dwell on it. I know he's probably tired from working all day and I have had a hellacious time in traffic today as well but I would totally want to get home to him. 
    I need to think of it more as peace and quiet and alone time for me not a punishment.  I need to take the things I'm learning in therapy and use them to calm my mind. I'm sure he loves me. I'm sure he misses me.  I'm sure things are never going to be like they once were and it makes me really sad.
     The donor is of course an hour and twenty three minutes late picking up his daughter who of course is sitting at the window staring down the road. I have things to do and would rather not be waiting on him. Guess I could just go and let her show herself out but that would be a little rude.
    This is not at all what I always pictured my life being as a child. The dream wasn't much but it was still better than always being alone in poverty.  At least in the dream there was someone who loved me and kids that were happy and productive. I don't have either of those things. Guess I'll have to start working on that as well.

Wednesday

June 29, 2016...






    Worked today but came home early.  Not sick or anything but they asked and I just really didn't want to stay.  I should though I need the money I just so don't like it there.  Just tired today as well and after I picked up the girl and we got home I took a long nap.
     Now I am doing laundry and making dinner.  All in all not a bad day. The weather looked like rain, gray clouds and wind bending all the trees down and making my wind sock dance and fly. I was really hoping to get the summer storm I love so much but it only sprinkled for a few minutes and then was done.  So I still have to go out and water my garden and flowers. It's too hot and the soil doesn't keep the water so I have to water them everyday.
    One more day til I'm officially on vacation!!  Excited to be off work for a bit. Plus my love will be home soon and he is off with me. A whole week off with my love. Wow.  It's like a honeymoon with kids.  Ha Ha
     J will be with her Dad from tomorrow night until Monday night. So I do get a break from her and T is heading up to Idaho on a bus to see my Son from another Mother so he will be gone for a few days to see him then he leaves again on the 8th to visit his Dad in Idaho.  K is going with him for a few days. B comes home Sunday from her trip to California.  L comes home with my love tomorrow night. Man I wish I had lots of money so they could all be living someplace else.
     Yellowstone will be next week and before we know it J will be heading back to school and we'll be dropping B off in Logan to go to school.
    

June 28, 2016...

     Tuesday...


      Made it through another shift and I'm down to 2 days until I go on vacation. I'm so excited. I'm also excited to go to Yellowstone and hope to have a much better trip than I did the last time I was there.
      Today was 102 degrees and I sure felt it when I walked of work wearing long pants, a tank top, long sleeve thermal shirt, fleece zip up hoodie.  Talk about baking on your way to the car.   Love that I work in the arctic and live in the arctic and then I go outside and it's too hot for me. Despite being so blasted hot the clouds have moved in and the wind is picking up.  I may get one of my favorite summer rain storms. That would be cool.
     So broke from missing so much work and trying to play catch up.  I don't even know what I'm gonna do for food the next week.  Oh well I hope that things work out and I can get back to making my full pay checks.
     I think I need to upgrade my resume and start looking for something else. I really like most of the people I work with but everyone is moving on, and I don't know any of the new people.  I always feel like I'm not good enough so I don't apply for anything to move up.  I don't know but I think a change would be good as well.  Hard to find something with comparable vacation and sick pay. I could do without their insurance for prescriptions though.
    Kids are doing the usual.  K just got a raise and put in for full time again. Here's hoping he gets it and can get moved out soon.  Now T needs to get a full time job and they should be set to move out assuming they can find a place to afford. Maybe something that has utilities included or something.  Then I can get rid of L and my home will be free of the adult children.  Love them to death but they all need to be moving out and learning to take care of themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes. We all have to do it I did when I was 18. Seems like a million lives ago.

Monday...

June 27, 2016...




  The week has started anew and my love went out of town for another 3 or 4 days.  On my own. My word it's peaceful around here. Just like back when I was alone kindof peace. ha ha  I start to miss them all after awhile but usually I try and stay busy so I don't miss my love so bad. Lets be honest the days go by so fast that even though I hate him going it usually isn't long before he's back. I'm grateful he comes back to me instead of someone else.  I've loved him so long it's good to finally be where I belong.
   Made it through the entire day at work and wasn't sick once. That's right folks. Not once. It was nice. Yay me!!  It was nice walking out of there knowing I worked my full shift and wouldn't be losing any money today.
   One down 3 to go and I start my staycation/vacation. We are going to Yellowstone for part of it but I'm looking forward to the time away from work.  I've never taken an entire week off before.  It should be relaxing.  I'm hoping.  
   Kids are all good as far as I know and dinner is cooking a little late tonight, but it's summer and feels like it's only 5 o'clock when it's really 7.  I am such a daydreamer. Just been wondering how I'm gonna get my bills all paid and my mind starts wandering.   I guess that's the good thing about losing your mind. You can always just blame it on the crazy.  Lately though I've been forgetting a lot of stuff and it's starting to bother me. Long term I'm good but short term...... not so much. 


  

Sunday..

   June 26, 2016....


    Has been a great weekend so far with the fam. Well yesterday was a not so nice day but that wasn't anyone's fault really. Unless you want to blame the air force for the really bad planning in the parking situation at the air show.  
    It took us three hours just to get to the parking lot and park. Then we had to walk quite a long and hot road to get to the place the show was actually going on. Once we were there It was ok, I really enjoyed the jet car and the plane racing and very much enjoyed the Thunderbirds they were awesome and It made me want to fly a plane again like I used to want to do as a child. I was also very impressed with how in sync they are even when they are checking the plane.
   They swore in a bunch of new recruits to the air force and that was pretty cool too.  Made me think of my Nephew the Marine who just got deployed to Africa, Iraq, and Spain.  He should be home in 9 months assuming all goes good and he doesn't die in this God forsaken war that is never going to end.
    The hike back to the car was even hotter and more miserable because I was dehydrated and my head was feeling like it might explode if jarred to suddenly and J was whining about the blisters on her foot from her brand new flip flops she wore.   Not to mention that we hadn't eaten all day and we were all grumpy and hot.
    By the end we were home and cooled off and fed and falling asleep so it wasn't so bad. Someday we will be able to laugh about it but at the moment we are never wanting to go again.   I think I would rather fight the crowds at the zoo.
    Tomorrow I start my short week. Start my vacation (or staycation) on Friday.  Hoping to leave early Thursday too.  That would actually be the best day because it will be the furthest day from going back to work ha ha
    We are headed to Yellowstone Next Wednesday so that should be a fun thing to experience with my love. Plus we are staying in Yellowstone Inn so we don't have to deal with air mattresses and being too hot or too cold.
     Love summer. This is the first time I've taken an entire week off. I usually just do the half weeks so I can have more long weekends .  This should be a fun relaxing new experience for me.

Thursday...

June 23, 2016....


    Stayed home today so tired and nauseous. Lucky i'll get paid for it but still.....  I'm not gonna have any time left at the end part of the year. Oh well life's a bitch.  More for me than others I feel like but then I'm sure everyone has bad days too.
    Leaving for therapy soon.  I don't mind going but I hate paying.  It's so expensive and I really can't afford to go every week. Hopefully I will be done soon.   My love has been out of town all week and I think that is part of why I can't sleep because I can fall asleep on him in minutes.   Can't wait til he gets home tomorrow.
    We are going to the air show on Saturday so that should be fun.  Hot but fun. Hopefully they will have water and what not.  I don't want to get dehydrated and spend the rest of my weekend sick.  I really dislike getting old.  I'm literally falling apart.
  

Wednesday..

June 22, 2016...




     Well came home early today sick to my stomach. Spent some time in the facilities and feeling a bit better but not much. The kids are wanting me to run them all over the place and I really just want to sleep although that is all I ever want to do anymore.
      They need haircuts and T wanted to go buy his sister a video game. (no idea, maybe he's sick) So I think I'll take them even though I feel like not.  I can't just keep sleeping my life away. I need to get back to normal whatever that is.
      So I just got back from the haircut place and the girl got a pixie cut. Not used to the shortness but I like it, it's cute.  She is excited to play with it and make different styles. T got his cut too and he looks so good. Fun!  Now if only I wasn't feeling the urge to puke every couple minutes.

Tuesday..

June 21, 2016....


   Another day down. I made it through most of the day leaving at 2:30 because they asked if I wanted to ha ha.  Of course I want to.  So here I am home again.  The day is hot with blue skies and sunshine, it's almost a hundred degrees. Nice!  Anyway it would be nice if I was actually able to feel it. They have the cooler like the Antarctic at work and when I go outside I'm too hot because I'm dressed in warm clothes. Then I get home and come inside and the cooler is up so I'm still freezing and unable to throw on a pair of shorts without freezing to death.  Love not having a thyroid, who needs an internal temperature gauge?  not me. I guess I'll just freeze the rest of my life because I can't take the 100s anymore either. Too hot or too cold I'm never happy.
   Still quiet around here. Only my kids are home and they are all in their rooms (or my family room considering T is back to sleeping on the couch with no room.) Anyway he is playing games and has his headphones on. J is still in bed although she says she got up and cleaned her room and ate.  It doesn't look like she's moved all day though. Ahhhh summer!!
  

Monday

June 20, 2016...


   Well made it through another day at work.  I was so tired I couldn't wake up all day which only proves to make it an even longer day than it actually is.  Came home to one child leaving for work and nobody else home. Two are out of town for work, B is going to California tomorrow so its three down by tomorrow.  Talk about a peaceful house. I took a nap of course, because I don't know  what I'd rather do anymore.
    I've always been a home body but lately I don't even want to leave my house. Maybe I have been that way since I got this house either way I don't like to leave and I love coming home and just being here. In my home .. can't wait another week and I'll be on vacation for a week.  Paid even instead of med leave. Ha!!  I love being out of work and still paid.  It's wonderful!

Sunday...

Sunday June 19, 2016....


    Happy Fathers Day to all!!  We have had a lovely day relaxing and we are now BBQing. It has been a wonderful weekend and a wonderful day.  The kids are either at home or work, we have food to eat and lots to be thankful for.
    Things around here are getting a bit better and I hope that it continues. The day has been sunny and blue and absolutely hot outside. Inside I still need a sweatshirt or blanket but that's just me. 

Saturday..

June 18, 2016....


   So far it's been a wonderful day. I thought it would be horrible but things have turned out less stressful than I thought they would.   J is over and my love is fixing her car. so far there has been no drama between her and L although he was told to stay quiet and not come out of his room.
   My house is clean, I have been getting rid of crap from past lives that's been growing dust in my garage and I'm happy to say I'm making some head way with that.   I'm also working on laundry although I must say I'm getting tired and lazy feeling and think maybe I'm done for the day, at least until the sun get further across the sky.
   Tomorrow is Fathers day.  I have no money to buy my love anything and it makes me feel bad. I will try and pamper him all day I guess.  As for my Dad I don't really get acknowledged by him so it's hard to be nice anyway.  I'll probably just tell him happy fathers day on Facebook.
   Having such a good weekend I really feel like I don't ever want it to end. I hope that continues.

Friday

June 17, 2016....


    Fathers day weekend really snuck up on me. I really don't know what to do since I have no money but I'll think of something. Made it through the entire day at work with no stomach problems or anxiety.
   Not fairing as well since I got home but it's at a minimum and I'm trying to convince myself  that I'm fine and what is bugging me is trivial and doesn't matter. Im hopeful that is the truth I'm telling myself, but I just don't want to fall into despair again.
  We are going to see a movie tonight, the conjuring 2, should be good.  Now if I can just find some dinner ......

Wednesday..

June 15, 2016....


  Came home early half a day today.  Stopped by my mom to pick up a few things and use her facilities. Came home and slept. I have gotten a couple of loads of laundry done but I feel really
lazy. I made dinner though so at least the masses have food to eat.
  J will be home soon she's off with her donor. It's their weekend this weekend and I don't know what my plans are but I hope the consist of hanging out at home. Im such a home body.

Saturday..

June 11, 2016...


   In another life today was my anniversary..... lol anyway It is a warm rainy day.  Rain in the summer is my favorite. I have gotten quite a bit accomplished today. About half way done with the laundry, emptied about 8 boxes of crap from the garage.  Went and did a bit of grocery shopping and then now I am tired and think I will finish laundry and watch a movie with the kid.
    Im having a great day today. The boys are at work and it's nice and peaceful.  The anxiety is low again today.

Thursday...

  June 9, 2016...


  Another day in the life. You know sometimes I wonder why nobody is following me around with cameras ha ha I mean if Honey Boo Boo is entertainment...... anyway I worked 1/2 a day and then came home took my meds and a nap and headed out to therapy.
   Positive affirmations again this week. I am feeling better and more at peace but we will see what the next week brings before we can really tell if I can handle things better or not. Almost the weekend which is awesome. I really don't do anything on the weekends other than sleep but maybe that's why I like them so much.
   Trying to think of things J can do this summer instead of just sitting around watching videos on you tube and playing games on her tablet. Swimming? Hiking? The park?  I don't know but she needs sunshine and fresh air.

Wednesday..

  June 8, 2016...


   Well here we are already in June and if I blink it would probably be December so I'm trying not to blink.  The weather has finally warmed up as it usually does, snow one day and then 98 degrees the next day.  Fun!
    Summer vacation is here for the girl and she is so excited. I'm just glad for the heat. B will be starting college in August so that's gonna be weird. I hope she has a good experience.
The other kids are all the same, playing video games in my basement.
    The anxiety is low today so far but I have been shaking more than usual.

Monday..

June 6, 2016...


    Came home a little early today, I figure if your brain is getting so fuzzy that you can't spell anymore you shouldn't really stay. I'm glad I have time to get me through this. Hopefully soon I'll be feeling back to my old self again. (or hopefully better)
    J is out for the summer and she is still in bed in her jammies watching movies on her tablet.  I like that I don't have to take her up every day although some days it's ok too.  It's only about 15 minutes earlier anyway.
   Things are going ok in the rest of my world. So far it looks good for the panic attacks being at a minimum. Hopefully that lasts.
   The summer has come and it's quite hot outside even though it's an ice box inside. ha ha You know me always freezing...

Sunday..

  June 5, 2016..


   Well here we are into June already.  I can't believe how time flies. The older you get the faster it goes to.  Oh well, wish atleast the weekend would last longer. It is already Sunday night and it feels like it should be Friday night. I guess If I didn't keep sleeping all my days away.  Oh well, work tomorrow.  I really need to make it in atleast in the morning so that they aren't bogged down all day.
    The weekend was at least relaxing. L was under control and my panic attacks were kept at bay.
My love and I got a lot of rest and that was nice. He cleaned my house for me and I finished the laundry.
    Summer is here and atleast I don't have to make lunches or take the girl to the grandma for school. She will still go up but only one or two days a week.  I'll bet my mom gets lonely in the summer. (except for her neighbors and ward members that drive her nuts)
  

Saturday..

June 4, 2016...


  Lazy day.  Spent most of it in bed. Now I have helped change the bedding and done 2 loads of laundry. I know I should slow down before I exhaust myself. My love has cleaned the whole kitchen spotless and is now working on the living room. 
  Boys 2 & 4 are at work and boy 1 is downstairs. I am learning to get over the damage he has triggered which the ex imposed upon me. Still shaky a little but the medication is helping a lot and the coloring to help me block things out for awhile.
    Now if only the kids would get a long. Wishful thinking I know. If we are going to be making wishes then lets just wish the would both find a good job and get moved out or buy a car or something other than playing video games in my basement.  I'm tired and always sick, and losing my mind and I'm just not wanting to keep supporting them forever.  I have my future to look at too.
   B had surgery in the afternoon and was home that night at the Maverick center walking with her graduating class. We are so proud of her. She's such a strong girl and a good influence for J. who really looks up to her.
    Most importantly my love and I are getting along fabulously again and my therapy is going well and the future is starting to look ok again.  I guess the nervous breakdown wasn't so bad after all.
It was just what I needed to get the help I should have already had.