Thursday October 31, 2013...

    Happy Halloween.  Have had a wonderful day.  Started it with my daughters Halloween party, then her class Halloween party. Then we came home and made Taco soup (my favorite) and enjoyed that while I got a much better deal on my car insurance than I was offered at my current place.
     I Zombied myself and we headed out Trick or Treating.  She scored quite a bit of candy and we had a blast. We even got free drinks at Maverick.   Yay us!
     Came home and showered and now I'm ready for bed.   Thankful tomorrow is Friday, and although I have to work all day, it's Friday!  Love the weekend and it's my weekend with my daughter so even better.
      Tomorrow start November and I usually reserve that for things that I am thankful for but everyday there is so much to look around and be Thankful for.  Gratitude breeds more peace every day.
      I'm Thankful for being able to go out with my daughter and Trick or Treat, and dress up and just have fun and spend time together.   I'm thankful I got paid for it with my floating Holiday at work.  I'm thankful we got to spend some time with my mom and made sure she had a good holiday as well.
       I'm thankful my kids make my heart happy and my soul feel better. I'm Thankful Jesus died on the cross to save me.  I'm thankful I was graced with my children , and friends and family.
     I'm thankful I have a job that gives me a paycheck and insurance and even though it's not the most wonderful of jobs it isn't the worst either.  I'm thankful that we had food to eat, and a warm place to eat it.  I'm thankful my kids can lay their heads down in a warm dry place.
      I'm thankful my heart doesn't hurt as bad as it used to, and I'm thankful that I can find so many things in my life to be thankful for.  It's not easy and sometimes I still explode at the smallest things, but everyday is getting better and especially when I really concentrate on it.  I just want to be happy and forgetting and moving on, knowing that I have a better life out there for me.

Wednesday October 30, 2013....

    Halloween Eve. My daughter is ecstatic.  Dressing up as a zombie cheerleader. She loves it as much as I do.  We have her parade in the morning then back in the afternoon to help with the Halloween party. We are making paper plate ghosts.  Should be fun.  Last year we made spiders.
 I hope the kids enjoy it as much.  I am not in charge of it this year , which is fine with me because it's a lot of work.
    I have the day off as a floating Holiday.  Can't wait.  Paid for 8 hours and don't even have to be there.   Love Halloween!
    Today I am grateful that it didn't snow , only rain.  I am grateful I finally got some money in my account, I am grateful to have a roof over my kids head and a warm place for them to sleep, at least for now.  Grateful I had food to feed them and a pay check on the way.
     I am grateful that the work day finally ended, and as always I am grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful for holidays to look forward to and mark the seasons with memories.  I am grateful I have a camera to capture the memories and a computer to share the memories with. 
     I am grateful for the season even though I may not like them all. I am grateful I have a job and friends to pass the day with.  I am grateful my car is running so I can get to work.
    I am grateful that as of yet I don't have to stand on a corner holding a sign and begging for money.  I am grateful I have people who care about me, and wouldn't let us sleep out under the overpass. I am grateful that no matter what tomorrow brings, I can still smile because I have the love of my children , my family, and friends.  I can have Faith that God will watch over me and lead my life in the right direction.
    I am grateful I am out of a relationship that only brought me down and never lifted me up with praise or appreciation.  I am grateful that I lived through it as unscathed as I did. 
     I am grateful that this quest is bringing me peace and helping me handle new stress a little more gracefully than I used to.  Still a challenge I need to work on, and I'm sure I still have a long way to go, but I am starting to see change and I even recognize when I relapse into the depression and anger.  One day at a time.  Smile and deep breath.....

Tuesday October 29, 2013.....

     Beautiful day in the neighborhood, rain but as of yet none of the promised snow.  I dislike snow.  Slippery, cold, dangerous....  but I'll tell you what I'm thankful it hasn't started yet.
     It is almost Halloween, we have a potluck at work tomorrow, which always makes the day go faster and better. I got a little off this morning but turned it around by afternoon.   I'm hoping to be all about the happy tomorrow.
     Smile, deep breath.  That's what it's all about.  Send the stress somewhere else. I make myself sick with stress and worry.  I wonder what happened to the care free days.
     I'm grateful for the job that pays me.  I'm grateful for the food I was able to feed my children.  I'm grateful for the dry roof over our heads and for the warmth I could afford for one more month.  I'm grateful as always for my friends and family and especially my kids they are the sunshine in the storm.  I'm grateful for the peace I find amongst the chaos.  I'm grateful for the things my mom does to help me even if she can't really help me.  I'm grateful that I can smile through the tears.
    I'm grateful for God standing by my side even if I don't often have faith he is there. I'm grateful that I live in a place where we are still somewhat free.  I'm grateful I can take time off work to celebrate holidays with my daughter, and I'm grateful that I can afford my medication so I don't keep getting sicker.   I'm grateful for the crunchy leaves that are blowing against my fence. I'm grateful that my daughter finds such joy jumping in them, I enjoy crunching through the leaves as well.  I'm grateful I have sight and hearing, and taste and touch.  I'm grateful for my hands to work. 
    The thing I'm starting to learn the most in this search for happiness is that every time I take the time to think about it, I find that there are more and more things to be thankful for and less and less things to be angry and stressed about.  Hopefully soon I'll be able to find happiness without having to really think about it.  Hopefully soon the happiness will out weigh the misery.

Monday October 28, 2013....

   What can I say?  I kept a smile on my face all day.  It went pretty well at work and I was home before I knew it.  The traffic sucked as usual, but again, smile on my face.  Didn't call hardly anyone an idiot today, even though most of them are.
     My daughter and I carved pumpkins, it was messy and slimy and definitely not my favorite thing to do, but we do it for the kids right?
Right!
    Then came homework time, and well, I am just gonna say I lost it.  LOST IT!!!  They give my daughter a sheet with clocks on it, asking her to write the time on the digital clock underneath.  Ok, no problem, then they want her to write the time 2 different ways from above.... ummmm.... So how many ways are there to write the time and has anyone ever, EVER had to write the time down any other way than how you would normally write it?!?!  If you ask me, the school just has nothing better to do than waste everyone's time including our childrens.  They should be using their time more wisely working on reading and writing than how many different ways you can write the time.  Ugh! Rant over.
   I am grateful for the workday, and the fact that at the end of it I make money to support my kids.  I am grateful for the sunshine which didn't show itself today, I am grateful for the wind blowing the rest of the leaves from the tree so I just have to clean them up once.   I am grateful to have a roof over my children's head , and food in their stomachs.  I am grateful they can have a warm place to sleep. 
      I am grateful my car is still working (knock on wood) I am grateful I have two arms and two legs.  I am grateful I have clothes to wear and my kids too.  I am grateful as always for all my friends and family that help me get through each day.
      I am grateful I am free to believe what I want and make my own choices everyday.  I am grateful to be a mommy and even though it isn't easy being a single parent, I have a lot of experience in it.  I am grateful that no matter what happens with others, I only have to worry about me.
    
    

Sunday October 27, 2013..

    It was a beautiful weekend.   So grateful to have a few more days of warmth.   This week is supposed to drop about 20 degrees, and next weekend we change the time back an hour.  Wish I didn't have to but I don't want to be early for everything.   I hope that we don't get feet of snow next week like the other states are getting.  I'm not ready to be driving in it.  I'm not ready to shoveling it and the gray and the cold together reek havoc with my SAD. (self diagnosed)  I will continue to smile and hope that I can find something great in each day that comes.
     It was windy today but also sunny and warm and I got to watch my daughter run and jump into the pile of leaves I raked for her.   She loves playing in all the crunchy leaves, and who can blame her.  I love to crunch the leaves as well.
     I am grateful I made it through another weekend with no money.  I'm grateful I have gas to get to work and food to feed my kids a couple more days. I'm grateful I have a job to go to and a paycheck at the end of each two weeks.  I am as always grateful for my friends and family and especially my kids.
     I am grateful that in just  a few weeks we will see what is going to happen to us and when we have to move.  I am scared, and yet I'm excited to see what the future holds. I'm grateful that I have started to heal from the whole experience and this search for happiness is bringing me , if nothing else more smiles on my face.

Friday October 25, 2013....

    Friday evening.  Weekend.  Yay!!!  Trying to not dwell on all the problems, stresses, worries... so I came home and sent my daughter off with her dad for the weekend, then raked some beautiful crunchy leaves.   I love the sound of them as the rake scrapes across the driveway and lawn, dragging the mounds of orange crunchiness with it.  I filled an entire garbage can and there is about 2 more garbage cans full still on the lawn in piles under the trees.
    Made it through the week with all my hours, I'm grateful for that.  I think the day went pretty well so I hope that as the weeks go by I hit everything on my calls and get a better score on my next month of sales.
     Grateful that I have a job.  Grateful that I can make a paycheck no matter how small.  Grateful as always for my family and friends. Grateful the weekend is here with blue skies and sunshine and crunchy orange leaves.
    Halloween is this week and I'll be partying with the 3rd graders, so it should be awesome.  I'm grateful I can take the time off to spend with my daughter.
    Grateful there is only two of us home and not enough food to eat.  Im grateful that so far God or the universe or whatever you believe, has been on my side to find me help and keep me getting by. 

Thursday October 24, 2013....

    I finally got my $50.00 bonus gift card at work which will come in handy to get a few groceries , plus ORS put a whole 36.00 into my account so I was able to get a little bit of gas.   I'm having some issues with my insurance company right now but other than that the day went pretty well.
    I found myself smiling most of the day, I got to work a whole shift at work and if I make it through tomorrow I should have a better paycheck this week.  I am hoping that soon I will get more of my child support and  then I can get back on track.
    My head is constantly hurting with all the everyday stresses and trials but I know deep in my heart that it is making me a stronger and better person able to handle harder things in the future.
     The sun was wonderful today, and the colors of the trees, just magnificent.  I need to rake leaves which if done right can not only be fun but therapeutic and relaxing as well.  (I also like to watch my daughter running and jumping in the crunchy leaves, something I wanted to do as well when I was young)  I am looking forward to this week, it is Halloween, my favorite Holiday.   I will be partying it down with the third graders and hopefully trick or treating in the freezing cold with my daughter.   I don't work that day, because it's a sacred holiday after all. :)
     I am thankful for my kids, family and friends, for my mom for putting up with my endless stress and helping in every way humanly possible for someone not working.  I am thankful for my job and the paycheck it provides to pay for our life.
     I am forever grateful for having a warm safe place my kids can lay their heads at night to sleep and also for having  food for them to eat for one more day. 

Wednesday October 23, 2013....


     You might trip me up but you can't break me.  I may be low now but I will claw my way to a better life and when I get to the top of everything I'll be looking down at you alone and miserable and wondering how on earth you ever lost me.
     I haven't written for a couple days because after all, this is my journey to happiness, but everyday is not sunshine and rainbows and when you can't feed your children, put gas in the car to get to work, or even put money in your child's lunch account, knowing they will be turned away for lunch right there in front of all their friends, while someone is off eating $10. steaks instead of paying their support payments,  you tend to feel a little less than happy.
     Today has not been better but for the blessings of friends, and a long hot shower, I am feeling much happier at the moment. 
    I am grateful to have food to feed my children one more meal, (all thanks to my mom who gave us some of her food) grateful for a warm, dry place to sleep.
    Especially grateful to have a job to go to everyday to earn money to attempt a life for my children and a car to get there.
    I am grateful for my friend, who even though she has nothing still finds it in her heart to help me with money for my daughters lunch account so she isn't hungry and embarrassed.   I have sure found out who my real friends are and left many behind, but then, isn't that what happens when trials make us stand tall?
   

Sunday October 20, 2013...

   Well despite the current stresses that I'm sure will pass sometime soon, I have had an incredible day.  Started a little shaky like every weekend morning but the sun came up, the sky was blue and my coffee was there for me.  I remembered my meds, and made breakfast.
    I have gotten my laundry done, vacuumed and cleaned the kitchen.  My daughter and I went to the park fed the ducks sat in the sunshine soaking up some vitamin D, and raked leaves.
     We made cheesecake brownies, and watched cartoons while we ate tuna sandwiches for lunch.  We also went for a walk and I uploaded my pics online.  I am exhausted and wish I had another day to just hang out and relax doing nothing, but alas tomorrow is Monday and it's back to the daily grind.
     I am thankful for warm fall days and playing in crunchy colorful leaves.  I'm thankful for having food to feed my kids today and a warm dry place for them to sleep.
    I am thankful I have a job to go to tomorrow and even though I am really not liking it at the moment I am thankful that it is there and pays me so that I can at least attempt to support my kids.
    I am thankful that if I can continue to keep a smile on my face there won't be any room for a frown.
   

Saturday October 19, 2013....

    Today has been kind of challenging due to a dream I had last night and also some other things going on.  But I keep smiling like a lunatic.  The more I smile the less I can cry.
     Hanging out cleaning and playing with my daughter.  The sun is shining and the sky is blue.  the colorful leaves are everywhere and we now have crunchy orange leaves all over the yard.  My daughter wants to rake and play in those babies.  Awesome how someone can have so much fun in discarded Nature.
     I'll probably find more to say later but right now I just wanted to go over some things I'm thankful for, My kids of course, the warm sunshine, having food to feed my kids a warm rood over their head and a job to attempt to pay for everything to keep them warm and fed.
    I'm most grateful for my family and friends who think I'm worth something, and for having the ability to take care of my children even when it doesn't seem like they care.
   

Thursday October 17, 2013....

   Each day a new challenge.  I would usually say 'nightmare' because that is what it all seems but due to the new need for happiness we are going to use the word challenge.
     My insurance is wanting me to add my son, which I'm sure isn't a new thing for anyone but I can't even pay for groceries or a place to live so I really can't afford to triple my insurance.   Don't know what I'll do about that but I guess I'll have to talk to them and see what the situation is.  Stressing out, I know is not going to help anything or make the problem go away.  We'll see what options there are and then stress out.
    Today I am thankful I still have a job, I am thankful for being able to pay some of my bills and I am thankful that I was able to feed my kids today.  I am thankful for my friends and family who still find me worth something.
     Most of all I am thankful for my kids who never cease to make me smile.

Wednesday October 16, 2013.....

    They call it hump day but it feels as far from Friday as Monday.  I have kept a smile on my face, though the hours were long and the chain to my desk so short.
     I find that the smile is key most days. It puts a smile in your voice and puts a smile on others faces as well.  No matter what is going on, if I keep a smile it's easier to keep a good attitude.
     We may never know why things happen the way the do, why things seem to always be put in our path to bring us down but I am starting to agree with all the pessimists out there who say to always see the cup half full instead of almost empty and things won't seem so bad.
    I am thankful for many things today, for having a job for one more day, for waking to see the sun rise and the sky turn blue, for having a car to get me around in, and for having food to feed my children.
    I am thankful everyday for friends and family who stand by me no matter what is happening, no matter what mistakes I make.  I am thankful I have a warm place for my kids to sleep and for everything that makes me smile.
    I am thankful I have a new chance everyday to start over, forgiving others and myself, giving me the chance to make better choices and a fresh new life.
    It all starts with a smile ....

Sunday October 13,   2013....

   Well happy Sunday.  It is a wonderfully rainy day, and although there is no sun and it is dark outside with all the gray clouds, I am having a spectacular day.
     No work so I slept in.  Took my son to work, made coffee, did some dishes and laundry and then nothing else but hanging out drinking my coffee. I did go and get a few groceries as well but have otherwise been taking God's hint and resting on this the seventh day.
    I have kept a relaxed attitude today and have tried to smile as much as possible.   I haven't had anything to complain about or be angry with.  The house isn't perfectly clean but that's ok, it's warm and cozy and we have food to eat for dinner.
    I have gas to get to work this week and hopefully soon I'll start getting some extra money. I am grateful for all the things above, and also for having the life I have had even though it isn't perfect.  I am grateful for the rain and golden leaves upon the ground.  I am grateful I can celebrate Halloween with my children and have our yard decorated.
    I am grateful for Fall and the beauty it brings us before the winter.  I forgive myself and others a little more each day  and I am thankful for that as well.
   Happiness can't be far behind....

Saturday October 12, 2013.....

    Well here it is 8:26 pm on Saturday evening.  I was up at 5:25 racing to work.  There by 6 and finished out the day.  Once home , picking up kids and doing dishes, gathering and washing laundry and straightening the toys overrunning my room from my daughter.
     I didn't take the nap I was thinking about but the day has actually been really good.  Had the usual awnry customers at work but they didn't bring me down and when I picked up my son from work, and he asked me how my day was, I couldn't think of anything bad to say about it.  So I just said it was good.
    We had food to eat which I am thankful for.  Tays started his medication so he should be feeling better in a couple of days.  (i'm hoping anyway)  I still have tomorrow off , also grateful for that.  Next week will be here before we know it but that's ok because then I can make some money to feed my kids. Grateful for the sun, and the warmth it brought.  Grateful for the job I have even if it isn't the best.  Grateful for all the fall colors they were making me happy today as well.
    Keep taking deep breaths, telling myself it's all ok.  Hope this keeps working because it's been a long time that I haven't been able to find something awful about my day. 

 Friday October 11, 2013...

    Well today has been fabulous.   Work was a little  long and I only worked a few hours, but the calls weren't too bad.  The place was empty and the feel of the place is kind of different being in the spot they moved us too.  I kept a smile on my face though and was smiling when I left despite the fact I have to work at 6 in the morning.  Yuck.
      I am thankful that I got a few minutes to myself this evening and I am grateful that even though I have to work tomorrow , I have a job to go to. I am thankful that I only have to work a 1/2 day and then I'll have the rest of the weekend to do whatever.
     I am thankful for my children as always but also for my mom who frustrates me to no end at times, and I'm sure I irritate her as well, but at times makes me laugh and has a heart of gold.
     I am thankful I could buy my sons prescriptions today.  They were not too expensive thanks to my insurance but money is looking scarce and we are not with much food.  Hopefully our luck will turn soon.
     Deep breath....

Thursday October 10, 2013...


    Not a bad day if we don't count the awful cold and wetness of the stormy gray day.  I woke up late and had a semi bad start, but once I got to work I was having a good day.  I have been trying to smile more during the day and it does seem to keep the calls from going too bad.
     The day dragged on and on but I 'm sure that is because I have to work on Saturday.  I don't like to work on Saturdays but I guess I can always come home and take a nap.  I hope that at 6 in the morning I am going to want to smile on my calls.
      I did unfortunately use the word 'idiot' while driving home , but come on some people are just idiots.  I also found myself taking deep breaths and telling myself to have patience without reminding myself to do it.  Maybe it's sinking in.
     I haven't had any exercise today though, it was just too cold and wet to go for my walk and I was so busy making dinner I didn't think about doing anything inside. I know it does help my mood though.
     I also have found myself smiling a lot today.  Not just conscientiously telling myself to smile on my calls, but driving down the road and all a sudden I realize I am smiling.  weird.
     I am grateful for having a car to get around in, and a job to pay for the gas and the bills.  I am grateful for a warm house and food to feed my children.  I am grateful for my friends and family and for all those that genuinely care about me.
    Tomorrow may bring more rain, or shine but either way I'll put on my smile and tackle it with this new found need to find happiness in everyday.     

Wednesday October 9, 2013...

   Today was a really good day.  Work went fairly quickly, they gave us pizza for lunch, Jazmin had parent teacher conference and her teacher has nothing but good stuff to say about her.  She didn't go with her Dad so I got extra time with her, we had food to eat for dinner, a roof over our heads and heat and electricity.
    I may have said "idiot" today and lost my temper while helping with homework and wasn't being listened to but all in all I took deep breaths in traffic and tried not to get in a rage. It worked.  Today has also been cold and cloudy and rainy which tends to bring my mood right down anyway.
     Mostly today I am greatful for my life.  Even though I often feel someone should shoot me, I found out this morning that a neighbors friend
shot himself in the head in their backyard. How awful is that.  He had cancer and was in pain, but still to do that and leave the mess for you family and friends to deal with...  so I am greatful to be alive.
     Tomorrow I am going to try and smile more during work, that seemed to work pretty well in dealing with the lovely customers.  :)  see  'lovely customers' instead of idiots... its improvement

Tuesday October 8, 2013...

   Well today was good and a challenge all at the same time.  I was really tired all day but managed to get a lot done.  The sky was blue and the sun was out.  I saw an amazing sunrise this morning on my way to take the kids to school, got a walk in this evening, and saw an amazing sunset on my way back up to pick up Jazmins homework that she left behind.
    As you can imagine I was not too happy about the homework being forgotten and having to use gas I don't have to go get it.  I also was not too happy with her attitude while doing said homework, she wasn't measuring right, (why do 3rd graders need to know geometry?) and was refusing to go back and fix it when I let her know what she was doing wrong.  Then there was a page on time and whenever there was a time 1:04 she was writing it 1:4.  I told her she needed to put the zeros in and she refused that as well.
Deep breath.  Deep breath.... 
     Kids will be kids, and everyday there will be challenges.  Keep smiling, say a prayer and hope for the best.
     Today I am thankful for the sunshine on my face, its beauty in rising and setting and being able to witness both. I am thankful to be alive and to have children to drive me nuts.
     I am thankful to have the occasional day off during the week even if I have to work on Saturday, and I am thankful for having a job that pays ok
 when some people don't have a job at all.
     I am thankful for my family and friends and all those that want to be in my life for no reason other than to have me around.  oh and like everyday, I am thankful I could feed my kids.  It's always a good day when you can feed your kids.
    
   

Monday October 8, 2013....

    Well today was a Monday in every sense.  I woke up late and had to call in late at work.  Work itself was busy as usual, but I sold some stuff and won some prizes so that was cool.  It's customer service week so we get to dress down which means I get to wear my sweats, another piece of coolness.  I am off tomorrow which helped today not be so sucky, and well hopefully the rest of the week isn't too awfully bad.
     I lost my temper a couple of times but still managed to keep the "idiots" to myself and took a few deep breaths reminding myself of the patience I am supposed to have so that I am not as raged as usual.  All in all I think it might be working ok for the second day.  Keep smiling I tell myself.  Hard to be angry while smiling.
     I suppose I should also find things to be thankful for because if you are thankful I think it would also be hard to feel so much like a victim and have so much anger inside.
    Today I am thankful for the sun and blue skies, also I am thankful for my kids and the way they make me laugh.  I am thankful how good they are even though they sometimes drive my nuts, and most of all I'm thankful God trusted them to me even though I probably don't deserve it.
     I am thankful for having gas in my car to get to work and for having food to feed my kids. I am thankful that even when I have nothing we still manage to make it to the next day.
      October has begun, I love this month even though I try to avoid thinking about the recent past and what this month means to me in that regard.  The fall leaves are beautiful so I'll be thankful that I get to see the wonderful colors not too mention how much my daughter loves to play in the just raked leaves.

Sunday October 6, 2013....

     Well I started my day remembering today was the first day of the new me.  I tell you I have a long way to go but it did help that I awoke to blue skies and sunshine.  the fall air was warm and crisp all day.  I prayed when I woke, then got breakfast for my daughter, took my son to work , and the whole time I only got upset once the rest of the time I took slow deep breaths and reminded myself of patience.   I don't think I said 'idiot' once.  It's a start.
      I have kept busy to keep my mind off things that I can't control, the stress is not needed anymore.  I cleaned the front room while working on laundry and dishes. I mowed the lawn, which felt wonderful to be out in the sunshine.  My daughter and I decorated for Halloween.  It was fun getting all the decorations out, and I can't wait until we can get all of our decorations together and start using them.
       I have tried to smile even when there was no reason to and I am about 90% sure that it has helped me maintain a cheerful mood.  It's hard to be mad and angry when you are smiling.  Things roll off your back a little easier.
       I am fighting a thyroid disease and it messes with your mind, so that on top of everything makes it difficult to be happy for long.  I used to be happy though, once upon a time in my life, and I am going to be happy again. 
     The new me is right there, waiting til the right moment, to break free and show the world what I can be.  I just have to believe in myself and work hard.  Hopefully this journal will help me stay on track.
   

October 6, 2013...

    As you can see I have changed up my blog a little bit.  I am very tired of feeling all this anger and hatred, and I know that it aids in my always being depressed and feeling the victim.  I have decided to keep a journal of sorts about my goal to become happy and at peace. 
    Forgiving of course must be the first step and I have started that process but hoped it wouldn't be so hard.   I just keep holding on to the thoughts that if you forgive it means it is ok, that it doesn't matter what this person has done to you.  But I know and have been told by many that it is not true.  That forgiving only helps me move on and let go of the pain and anger.   I would do anything to let go of the anger.  I would also like to lose all the hatred.
    I know that my journey must start with forgiveness though so we will start there.  I would also like to stop feeling so much anger towards everyone and everything.  I think that smiling and taking deep breaths may help a little bit.  Smiling is supposed to make you feel better and taking deep breaths is supposed to help in alleviating stress.   Praying of course will aid in the process of forgiving.
    This weekend I think has taught me a few things, first being that I can only count on me.  Myself.  No one else.  I am no different than any one else.  I too can have a decent job.  I can take care of myself and my kids without anyone's help, I just need to find the strength to make my dreams come true.
    Where we will go from here I don't know.  But I know that I deserve to have some peace in my life and only I can make the changes that will help me find happiness.
    Whatever happens tomorrow it's a new day.  A brand new start to make things happen for the better in my life. A brand new day to open my mind and soul to finding happiness in the simple things without anger getting in the way.