Been awhile so sorry

    Hello world. I haven't written on this blog for awhile. I'm doing so now because I feel I have to get some things out. My other blog is for more gaining happiness not having a pity party. 
   I'm not necessarily having a pity party because I am dang blessed. I have so much to be grateful for. In fact the blessings way out way the stresses. 
   I really can't tolerate this holiday anymore. I haven't put my tree up yet. I haven't gotten any presents. I haven't gotten any sales, no money, no team mates. I'm so tired I really don't know what to do. Get another job? Keep posting and don't give up on my ITWorks, and my Etsy shop. 
  I have been debating doing a third business in hopes that I can get them all going. I need to be more ambitious about my businesses. I need to have more confidence in my talents. 
    My art, my crafts, my talents, are just as wonderful as everyone elses. They are just as beautiful and worth everything I charge. I know people always complain that homemade stuff is to expensive. But I had to buy supplies, I had to spend the time and energy to make it. Then I had to post it which costs me money as well. I have to drive to the post office and mail out the crafts I sell. Expensive?  I don't think I charge enough sometimes. Right now I have most of my crafts lowered in price for the holidays and I'm still not selling anything. I need a new hook line. I'm not sure if that's what it's called but I need another hook line. Supposedly it takes time to get things rolling and that's cool. I think I like that I'm trying. I never used to think my crafts were really worth anything. Since therapy though, I have realized that my crafts are worth just as much as I say they are. 
   I need to get Office for my laptop because I am so tired of not having WORD. I can't write my books properly if I don't have the proper tools. I think I want to write this is us first. I think perhaps it may be healing for me to get my side of the story out there. Or rather off my chest and hopefully out of my head. 
    I'm seeing someone and he's pretty messed up by life as well. He's a good person I can tell he is, but he is way messed up. People in his life that are of no use to his growth just keep hurting him. As I see it he needs to walk away from them. If they are true friends they will respect that and rise to his level of consciousness. 
    He needs to get away from the negativity that is surrounding him in his life. He always says we are supposed to forgive, not just toss our friends out. I used to think that way too. Glad I don't anymore. I only care what I think, and what the universe thinks. 
   I am worthy of someone who is honest, caring, thoughtful, loving, faithful, loyal, and wants to do what it takes to keep me. Someone who truly loves me so much that they will do anything to see me smile. 
   I need some honest love. I need someone who is faithful and loyal and sweet. Until then I will be that person for myself. 
   I've built up some walls. I let some people through and others not so much. I get defensive easily. I've been tortured by love as I fell into the deep, deep depths of hell. It's all around us you know. But to get back out? Now that takes strength. Getting back out alone? Priceless. 
   I am a warrior. A Leo, A woman. We have more in common with each other than any of us realize. I am worthy. I am enough. I am worth every bit of it. 
   I love hard. I heal them and they leave and have the lives they promised me, with someone else. Man sometimes it really hurts getting left behind. Don't get me wrong I 'm used to getting left behind, but sometimes you just get a flash of a memory, a smile, a look, and it throws you right back to that moment. And sometimes it's hard to let go of that memory. 
   If you don't keep present you will find yourself un protected. You won't be able to be happy so don't look back don't stress forward, learn to adapt to change no matter what happens. Be strong. I am a warrior loving myself, my children and family and friends. 
    I won't back down. I WON'T LOSE MY challenge. I will get my house and car refinanced but I really need to get some other things paid off as well. I need to come up with a plan. .  
    My companies will be a great success if I don't give up. If I stay positive and every day do something to expand my customer base, I will be successful. I'll wake up and try to enjoy things again in awhile. I have a vision of what I should be doing. I should be road tripping it. I should be visiting lighthouses and beaches and oceans, and seas. I should be laughing around a campfire with people I love. 
   Instead I'm alone. Very blessed in other areas of my life. I realize things could be worse, my challenges harder, but I also think we draw towards us what we want.  So staying positive can bring positive things, and staying positive keeps everyone happy and calm. 
   I'll do my intentions and boy I'll get an earful but I really think that  I need to be having some positive energy coming back to me. I've learned I a lot of lessons this year. I've gained some knowledge about myself. Like I'm am hella strong. 
   I'm not afraid to tell my story. I'm done with people trying to make me look crazy when there is nothing that is my fault. I was abused. Now i'm crazy. Whatever, atleast I'm not an alcoholic, bipolar, mental depressive wreck. At least I don't go around telling lies about people I pretend to love. I don't hurt people on purpose and I don't think that anyone until lately has taken the time to notice me for something other than just a dumb blonde. My ex thought of me like that, he had no respect, no thoughtfulness, no heart. 
    I will never forget the look on his face as I began my descent to hell, knife in hand thinking "finally" and he just chuckled and walked out of the room closing the door behind him. That was it. Just like, i'll leave you to it then. 
   How anyone can go out and see another woman, still lying about it, still telling me they love me, they will always love me. They still want us. It's all ridiculous. You can't trust anyone in this world. Nobody but yourself and even then don't listen to your brain because it lies to us. 
    I'm so sad this year. I don't even want to be around for Christmas. And the parties... the fact I can't afford presents for my kids for the first time in .. well ever. 
   I'm not sure why but my heart has been feeling really broken again. I have been so sad. I don't know if it's just the season and I have no money or if it's the season because it's been almost a year since I told him to leave. Hardest thing I ever had to do. I love him with all my heart. I always will. He took advantage of that. He used every thing I told him against me. He promised me a life that he is now living with someone else. 
   I don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror. I wouldn't be able to . I would be so ashamed of myself. I really don't think I could have done to him what he did to me though. Nobody deserves to go through that pain and anguish. 
   He knows I love him with all my heart yet it means nothing to him to flaunt his new girlfriend around like she is so splendid. She's not  he's not, They are not. They are alcoholics and won't admit it, of course they are so of course they won't admit it. I have a theory about what happened. 
    I think at some point he was mad at me, and he went to the bar, got drunk, made a bad choice and cheated on me, and then because he would never forgive me doing that to him, he decided that he needed to find the next girl to live with. Then he was so guilt ridden that he continued to drink more and more until it was more important that anything else. 
   I am so sad. I know I'm strong I have hope that everything is just going to work out. I don't know how but then I guess that is what faith is all about.