hey

  Hey. What up world? So here we are Christmas weekend. it's in 3 days. I have a couple small gifts for my daughter but that's it. Nothing special.  
   We are living on the edge, I got my gas bill caught up but my electric, internet and phone are getting turned off. I haven't been grocery shopping since my bro gave me money months ago. We just eat whatever my mom shares with us. 
   I don't know what I would do with out my mom. She has nothing yet makes sure we have food to eat. 
    I'm so blessed in so many ways. I have my children, my mom, my home, my car, my sanity, I conquered suicide, now I don't have to fight with myself to stay alive anymore but yet I still wonder what is wrong with me. 
   I know I shouldn't love him. But I've loved him since I was 10. I don't know how to not love him. But why?  He doesn't love me. He probably doesn't even remember me. 
   He just ripped my life a part and went on his way. Everyone is still friends with him, likes his pictures, ya, isn't it great he had a wonderful time with the woman he betrayed me with. I'm glad you are all ok with him. I know he's messed up. Bi Polar and an alcoholic. Doesn't go together. No matter how much he thinks he's doing good. 
    it's ok I wish him the best and pray he's finally happy. I also wish us the best and pray we will be ok. I have hope, I have faith but then again, some days I feel I'm losing it I want to believe that all will be well. I want to believe that things are getting better but it's hard to say when you don't have the funds to pay the bills. I'm doing all I can for the moment. Posting, crafting, advertising. I don't know where else to look. 
    I love my family and want the best for them. I want to be able to take care of them. Financially as well as emotionally and it's hard for me to do either at the moment. i'm too stressed to be of use emotionally and I'm to broke to be of help financially. 
   I do intend this is temporary. I am worthy and capable of making money and have it attract to me like im a money magnet. I have money to live and money to give. I am grateful for the many blessings I have. 
   My calling in life is too help heal. I'm an empath. I can feel what you are feeling. You can lay in my arms and feel so much better because my energy will happily absorb any hurt, anxiety, pain.. etc.. 
   I am not like my Grandma who could see things. Not always but most of the time she was right. If you lost your keys, your wallet whatever, she could "look" and see where it was. She was correct a lot. At least when I asked her stuff. 
    I will be driving and see a car way up in front of me and I'll think, 'they are going to cut me off'  so I'll keep my eye on them and sure enough, they will cut me off. I knew he was not himself and cheating on me because I knew. Guess that one was easy though. It's not my first rodeo after all. 
   So I have met a lot of new people lately messaging people to promote my business. Every one of the men I speak to tell me on the first and or second hello, that they love me. What is up with that? Do you know what love is? You don't even know me. The only thing most of them have said to me is I'm beautiful and am I single. I know and yes. 
   I don't really feel any respect for someone who says they love me when they don't even know me. There is one person and if he reads this 'I'm sorry but it's how I feel'
   He's from another country, lives here in the States is an engineer for the military. He has two children,  a boy and a girl a little younger than mine. He seems really nice. He hasn't sent me any naked shots, he hasn't been lewd, in fact he's been nothing but supportive since we met. I believe it's been about 3 weeks but I'm not counting. 
  Last night we are messaging and he suddenly says that he's in love with me, we can move to his property in Alabama, and start a Coffee Shop together. He's going to treat me like a queen. 
   I know he would say "Let go of your past..." but come on I've heard it all before. "I love you. I never want to lose you. I'll do anything for you. We are a family. Nothing will ever tear us apart." 
  Then of course there is the obvious problem. Please tell me you all see it. I've known of his existence for about 3 weeks maybe just a bit longer. Yet he loves me. Wants to help me clean my house and pay my bills. Because I am his twin flame. 
   Ya ok. Twin Flame. Who knows maybe he's right. But I'm not looking to get hurt again. I'm not looking for anything but success and abundance of wealth in my life and businesses. 
   I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm too tired to have a long distance relationship. Im not asking for anyone's money per say, yet I would be forever grateful if someone set up a go fund me for me. Before my electric is turned off. lol
   I was doing so well until the last couple months. Not sure what changed. The utilities are higher, but not much higher. I don't know what happened but I am really anxious to get my businesses on their feet. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was thinking that it would be so nice if like in the movies someone would see my struggle and think , that poor woman doesn't deserve to be here again. and give me an envelope full of money so I can get caught up on my bills. 
   I can picture my self grocery shopping but I'm not sure if it's past of future. I can see myself Painting my deck, and working on my yard. In all these scenarios, I'm alone. 
   I don't mind being alone, don't get me wrong,  there are many pros to being alone. Having someone who has your back, someone to come home to and tell about your day, that is what is missed. Someone who wants nothing more than to cuddle with you and be in your presence. 
   What is that like I wonder. I don't remember but I'm sure it's lovely.  I watch people and think what do they do to make it work. Why do they get to have each other. Why don't I ever have anyone who wants to stay and fight for me. 
    I guess the answer is that I have to learn to fight for myself. Boy am I trying. If only the Universe would shower me some abundance so that I can pay my bills and get groceries without worry and stress. 
   I am deserving and worthy of wonderful things. I am deserving and worthy of someone who will love me unconditionally forever. I am enough. 
   Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, Kwanza, or Hanukkah. Whatever you celebrate, let it be peaceful and full of family and love. Life changes in a minute and it could take your whole world with it.