Wednesday

 April 6, 2016..


      Today is almost over and then I just have to endure Thursday which of course is the longest day of the week.  I didn't feel good today but thankfully it finally passed and the last two hours weren't spent in pain.  I'm falling apart or losing my mind not really sure which.  One day I'm fine, the next I'm all shaky and stressed out and most of the time I really don't even know what about.  I can't put it into words but I'm really tired of just being on the outside of everyone's world lately.  Kinda wish what with all the pain, and the stress and anxiety, that I would just disappear.. imagine how it must be peaceful to be invisible.
      Nobody could yell at you anymore, you couldn't make mistakes anymore. You couldn't get pushed aside and ignored anymore.  I miss solitude. I miss knowing who is in my house and what they are doing, and taking. I miss having my life and my quiet existence. I don't think I will ever know it again here.
     I know I'm tired of the traffic out here. Wish I had of taken that into consideration before I bought it, but to be fair I thought I would be renting for a bit first. Oh well it was home for a bit. Now I just hide in my room. What a way to live. Maybe I'll get a second job and work on the days I don't have Jazmin. I could get my bills paid, save for new windows on the house. It would get me away from all the stress and anxiety if I was just always away.  Unfortunately I never know where to go when I want to get away.  Don't have so many friends anymore. Teresa is usually busy and Tammi lives forever away.  Fun!
    Speaking of driving, J was supposed to be home 39 minutes ago as I write this.. he texted and said he had a flat and could I just come and get her. I told him I don't have my car just now. He said he would text when He got it changed . that was at ten minutes to 8 and it is now 8:40....
    I heard a loud car perhaps that was him finally here with her.. late enough, it's bedtime now.  Hope he fed her because she is usually hungry when she gets home. Nope ... now I don't know if I would remember how to change a tire, or the strength but I'm am pretty sure I have seen it done in way less than an hour basically.  Have you not?  What is the problem?  No tire? No jack? No roadside assistance?  interesting.....